It’s Friday again! That seems a little crazy- the week has flown by so fast! Work is good. We’re getting a process down, the book feels full of promise. I wondering if I’m as passionate about the subject matter that we’re writing about as I am about this new experience in writing and editing. Only time will tell- all I know is that I’ve found a job that’s giving me daily insight into something I think I may want to be doing for awhile in addition to insight into things I’ve never considered but find rather interesting. That’s pretty good, I think.
That brings me to my next topic. I picked up my application for graduation today. I stood impatiently as a soft-spoken man reviewed the last four years of my life, deciding for me if it was time to move on. I’ve just got some odds and ends to finish- more a result of transferring than anything else. Also, my little foray into “International Studies” proved a bit of a time waster- I should have met up with economics sooner. As he scrolled through my life, muttering and making notes to himself, I realised that it’s happened AGAIN. I’ve made it through (or almost made it through) yet another milestone just to realise it’s a joke. Don’t get me wrong- I’m SO GLAD that I’ve chosen to get a degree, I’ve loved my major, and I feel (contrary to popular belief) that I’ve learned some valuable things. However, that illusion that college somehow helps you decide what to do in your life is shattered. It seems like there will never be an end to decision making. Sure, I’ve almost completed a degree, but most people don’t end up working in their field. I still get to wake up every day and wonder what I’m going to do- what I’m qualified to do.
John and I were talking the other day, and I came to the conclusion that there are two kinds of people. People with experience, and people with promise. Most people have a bit of both, but start their career expedition at one end of the spectrum. I’m (hopefully, at least) in the promise end of all that. I’ve had some experience, sure, but when I’m forced to pitch my abilities, talking through my experience lasts about 14 seconds, and the rest is pitching the promise. It’s not a bad thing- it just happens to be the stereotypical state of post-undergrad, pre-grads.
So: current plans, pursue editing/publishing. I need to take a deep breath and remember what my FAVOURITE teacher told me once. My senior year of high school, I took two (maybe three?) of Mr. Duquette’s classes. (We were on a block schedule, so we went through more classes, less time.) At some point during the year, I “realised” I wanted to teach English. I was madly passionate about books. Mr. Duquette supplied a list of books I’d never considered before, and had quite the experience reading. For example, he had us reading Jonathan Kozol’s Amazing Grace while simultaneously reading Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged. He seemed to concoct reading recipes- putting seemingly disparate subjects together to make a point. Some of us got it, sometimes.
ANYWAY, after one particularly interesting lesson, I felt completely overwhelmed. I wanted, so badly, to be able to do what he did. And Mr. Duquette had a nasty habit of giving me D’s. I was a straight-A student in High School, but for some reason, Mr. Duquette gave me D’s. I would ask him and he would just say, “You missed it,” or “That’s not your best.” It drove me CRAZY. Turned out he was trying to teach me something he thought I needed to learn…but that’s another story for another day. I went up to his desk after class one afternoon and had to fight back emotional alligator-type tears to ask him if he thought I could ever be a teacher. He looked at me and said, “I’ve got a secret to show you.” He moved some things around on his desk, and uncovered three huge, black binders. Inside were magazine clippings, articles from the newspaper, photo-copies of passages from books, hand-written notes… I don’t know how old Mr. Duquette was, probably early 60’s, but it was clear that he had spent a lot of time finding things and reading things and learning things. He told me that there was no way I could remember everything. That’s why people started writing things down in the first place. The next day he gave me something. A book called Alicia’s Journey. He said that he had picked it up from the bookstore and was thinking about adding it to the reading list for next year. He didn’t have time to read it, though, and wanted me to check it out. I went home and read it all in a couple of hours. I was expecting an amazing book- I thought it was going to give me direction in life, contain some secret message/wisdom from my mentor. It sucked. It was weird, and I didn’t enjoy it at all. I told him the next day that I hadn’t liked it - that I didn’t feel like it had any kind of coherent message, and that it made me feel lost. He said thanks, and that he wouldn’t bother adding it to the list. Looking back now I realise that he was actually just showing me what kind of skills you really need to do his job- and it had nothing to do with knowing everything. He was a smart guy. Sometimes I wish I could still have him as a mentor. He died shortly after I left town to go to college- but I’m glad I got to take some classes from him and form an attachment. He was remarkable.
Anyway…I didn’t really expect to remember all that. I guess that point is that I don’t feel qualified to pursue some of my goals in life. I guess the point of this is that I really haven’t ever felt qualified to take the next step, and yet, it always seems to work out. College applications, Freshman year all the way up to my mission, transferring schools, the various jobs and opportunities I’ve had along the way. I think I expect things to happen Bass Ackwards sometimes. As if I need to be qualified for life that I haven’t lived yet- that I have to be “ready” to experience the things that will make me ready and make me qualified.
A very long entry saying that I just need to chill out.
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