OH yeah! One more new thing!! The hair on my legs seems to be growing in faster than before. It’s really really weird- is this a postpartum thing or am I just a freak?
And if anyone has any tips to do with weaning whilst dealing with mastitis, I’m all ears. The percocet is going to run out soon! (Good job I saved that stuff, huh? I didn’t use it after the baby, but good thing I didn’t flush it!)
Not sure there is a whole lot more to say about that. We’ve decided that for the sake of sanity and for the sake of loving my angel baby with fearing him (I wish I could blog the sound he makes as he attacks my boob without restraint), we’re going the bottle route. So now we’re weaning AND treating mastitis at the same time. Everyone said cabbage in my bra- so cabbage it is. I’ll let you know how it works out. So far I just feel….a little salady. Camper seems to take the bottle well- a little messy, but that will clean up as he gets used to it I’m sure. And meanwhile I can see how much he eats, I never have to get my boob out in public, and there is a chance…a small glimmer of a chance…of a girl’s night out with my friends. Some might say that all seems selfish, but I’ve learned somewhere along the way that a sane Mom means a happy baby. Apparenly independence is that important to me. And I kind of like looking at his little face while he eats. My beautiful baby boy.
I did get a visit from a friend today. Yay Anisa!!
So, I’ve been a Mom for about 3 weeks now. Being home is nice, much nicer than the hospital. And the trend of unexpected things continues. First of all, Camper lost his belly button and pee pee ring. Now, when he was curcumsized I asked the doctor if the pee pee ring would just come off…or dangle.
He said it may dangle.
Which began over a week of anticipation of an awkward diaper moment when he has a dangling ring hanging off his you know and me freaking that it’s hurting him and not wanting to pull at it or hold him because it might rip it off and scar him for life.
When John changed his diaper this morning it was just chillin’ in there, not connected to anything. PHEW. The baby is now able to be bathed, which makes me hope that we can create a bedtime routine sometime soon. Bath with lavender soap, food, BED. We’ll see.
Other than that, I’ve officially got mastitis. It’s not all out bad right yet…luckily we caught it fast. All I have to say is WOW, fun. What was really fun was a trip to the BYU urgent care center to see an old guy who went and got a chaperon before he examined me, although my husband AND son were in the room. He gave me a perscription but said that I should try and take care of it naturally first (something I subscribe to, because of my allergy to pennicilin I try not to overtake any of the antibiotics I CAN take) so guess who’s pumping again. Just tonight I’ve begun to reevaluate if breastfeeding is the best choice for me- been reading a lot again and taking into account lots of different things, so we will see. I think I may be prone to mastitis in general for reasons I won’t get in to…so we will see. It would seem like a waste after all the education I’ve recieved with regard to pumping and breastfeeding. But at least my choice will be an educated one.
Other new things: I’ve learned how Mom’s can get through most of the day without showering. It is the result of waking up, feeding a baby who spits up all over himself, then thinking “I’ll just change him real quick and then jump in the shower while he naps” and then having him pee on his FACE while changing his diaper. Then, of course, my duty is to my child, who I could have possibly let sit in a wee bit of spit up while I shower, but I can NOT let him sit with remnants of pee on his face. So I bath him, which he screams through, and then give him the boob because he’s freaking out, and then I’m so hungry I could die…so I eat. Next time I look at the clock it’s 1pm and I haven’t even brushed my teeth yet. Amazing.
Also, my house is getting progressively messier. John is a big help, when I start crying he starts straightening up and doing the dishes (and he does a lot of pre-crying work, too) and that helps…but I think I might use this opportunity to try and get over the OCD that took over a large part of life while pregnancy hormones reigned. We will see.
Hmmm…what else? Oh yeah, I used to go to the bathroom every hour, at least. An empty bladder is a happy bladder, I always say. I think I need to get over it and figure out how to pee while holding Camper. Is that wrong? Not as wrong as a happy combo UTI/Mastitis infection.
I have an ever growing list of things I really want to get done. Camper’s baby book, a journal detailing the events of his birth, etc. Thank you notes for everyone who has helped us, some small monument erected in the backyard in honor of my mother who helped me SO MUCH. You know, the usual stuff. But I still find myself in the same cycle: wake, pee, feed Camper, eat something, wash 1 thing in the house, fall alseep…start again.
And finally- we DID get new winter shoes. Hello plushy boots! Not a knockoff this time. Sweeeet.
tiiirreeeddddd, very tired. My angel baby doesn’t like to sleep. My parent’s time here is winding down as well, I’ll be so sad to see them go. And not because they give me nap time, either. Because they are amazing parents and grandparents and support me through all my emotional meanderings.
In other news, my Mom and I did get out for an hour to get our toes done one last time. I got orange for Halloween. I gotta get my energy up so I can make Camper’s owl costume! I think the next couple of months will pass in the blink of an eye. Got a road trip waiting for me 
Just gotta figure out a way to get some sleep, and I’ll be all set!
So I’m starting to feel a little better, but not quite whole yet. However, whenever I start to “feel a little better” I always do the same thing: too much. In my head I have lists of things I want to do, Cy’s baby book, a journal with his birth/hospital experience, go through my clothes and get them sorted out, the regular cleaning, shopping, cooking…Lucky I still have MY Mom around to help for now, but I can feel the desire to get a move on coming on. I think I really need to exert some effort into chillin’ for a bit, making sure I rest during the day because I have a newborn who has the feeding/awake time schedule of a hamster. The more rested I am the better I will heal, the better my milk comes in, and the more I’ll actually get done. Let’s see if I can convince myself of that, eh?
John, by the way, is an amazing help. He always rescues me just when I need it. I’ve taken to sleeping in the baby’s room because a) he sleeps better in his actual crib and b) we want him to be able to sleep in his own room on his own sooner than later. This feat seems like it’ll be easier if it’s a matter of me moving out rather than him, so I haven’t been able to sleep in the same room with my husband for awhile now. We start out the night together, but I end up quickly (as in, half an hour) following Cy’s hungry cry into the other room. It makes me miss him. John…not Cy. And it’s amazing that sometimes I just want to be cuddled and there’s someone in my spot. It’s a lot of adjustment realising that I’m not the only one for John to take care of anymore, we both have a little man who needs more than the both of us combined. All the same, all these feelings taken into account, it’s pretty amazing to see how loving and happy John is when he’s spending time with his son.
Cy’s a callin’…mpore later.
This post is not about my baby. This post is about a huge truck sitting in my driveway pumping what seems like years of sewage from our septic tank. Our sink clogged up the day I went into labor, and it wasn’t until the next week that we ended up calling the landlord and asking what was up. We tried all the normal stuff, drain-o, plunger…etc. To no avail. The landlord said, “The septic tank is probably full. We’ll get it emptied.” So this afternoon after cleaning the baby’s room up we heard the backing up of a large truck. Within minutes the house was inundated with a disgusting smell- according to my Mom, “All the farts in the world.” We started candles (at our own risk) and my Mom started an “apple pie.” Apple pie in this case is code for water with cinnamon boiling in it on the stove. My Dad promtly took cinnamon paste and smeared it under his nose. He is a large child. He keeps saying, “I still smell cinnamon.” Well yeah, so do we. And, in the words of my Mom, we didn’t have to smear it all over ourselves. Now I’m resting and waiting for Camper to wake up to feed. This afternoon I will probably go through and organise his clothing a bit more, he keeps wearing the same outfits because I’m too lazy to dig through the massive piles of things we have for him. Thanks to Sara and Co. for the amazing clothes again, by the way. He wore your outfits the whole time he was in the NICU.
Update: My Dad just asked, “Does it look like I’ve got sunburn under my nose?” He burned himself with cinnamon. Idiot.
So I just learned that if your baby is sleeping, and sooooo cute in his crib, it is NOT a good idea to take a picture of him. With flash. Poor little guy, almost gave him a conniption. So yes, last night went better. Our first night home was full of no sleeping- most especially for John who insists that sleepless Moms make no milk (which is to a certain extent, true) and felt a little stressful looking forward to months of trying to make a little person with a very limited communication skills happy. Night number two went much, much better. I took the early shift, fed him and sat with him when he cried. He fell asleep and when he woke up John took the middle shift. The whole process was made a little easier by the purchase of a bouncy chair, which placed next to the futon seems to make him happy enough to let Mom or Dad snooze on the couch for a bit. Third feeding was followed by sleep. He slept from 5:30 til about 9, allowing both Mom and Dad to get some good sleep. Well, it seemed like good sleep to me, anyway. John needs to sleep a little more today to get ready for school to begin again tomorrow.
And yes, the schedule is quite grueling. It’s feed Camper, pump, clean up, try to eat/drink something, try to sleep, then get up and start again. Last night we replaced one of the sleeping cycles with a trip to Babies’ R Us and the grocery store. Getting out in the real world makes that desperate feeling abate a little, although I really didn’t want to leave Camper here. But my Mom and Dad were here and sat with him while he slept, and he didn’t even know that we were gone. Except that he had some new presents when he woke up.
We’ve been told that we should keep Camper out of public spaces for three months. This seems like a long time, but combine the fact that he spent a week in the NICU with an infection, and combine the beginning of cold and flu season, and we get house arrest for a while. Whatever is best for my little Camper. If you feel like checking it out, I’m going to try and post some new photos over at codenamecamper.com later on today. If you have access go on over and check it out, and if you desire access then sign up and we’ll get you through so you can see our baby boy. Meanwhile, I think it’s time for a smakeral. For me, not him.
I still want to update with some of the things I learned while in the NICU, but hunger and my baby are calling. We’ll see if I can get time to do the pictures later.
I have so much to say, but honestly, I need a nap. Bad. Well, food, then a nap. So I think I’m going to be taking a bit of a blogging break while my family and I figure out breastfeeding and life…still not stopped pumping yet, so that’s like feeding two babies every time Camper eats. I have to pump to make sure I keep up with his demand. He’s a hungry one! Summary: Yes, we are home. Yes, we are tired and happy and exhausted and overwhelmed and curious as to if we’ll ever sleep more than two hours at a time ever, ever again. Give it a couple weeks and I’ll fill you in, promise.
Here we are, NICU day five. The last few days have brought me highs and lows, and I hope to be able to share my thoughts about pumping, breastfeeding a baby in the NICU, leaving my baby at the hospital, all the little things he does and has done, and all my feelings about everything soon- but no time quite yet. I just finished my 4:30am pumping and am now force feeding myself some oatmeal in preparation for going to the NICU- today we’re going to try and breastfeed. We started yesterday, and Camper is a super champ. Now all we need is my milk. I’m still producing colostrum, more and more every day, but we’re still waiting for the main event. Pray it comes in so we can start feeding him in earnest, no tubes, no pumping, and that’ll help us bring him home :) Thanks for everyone who is calling and saying hi or checking in. I WILL get back to you one of these days, but right now all I can do is think about my baby. Say a prayer for us that day 5 turns into day 7 fast, and that we can introduce Camper to his home happy and healthy and soon.
I wouldn’t be a true blogger, I don’t think, if I didn’t blog at least once from my hospital bed. Most of the details of the last few days will be found on Camper’s Website (for those with access, sorry public, we are protecting our little boy from big bad internet wolves) I wanted to let everyone know what’s going on!
On Thursday afternoon I started contractions, Thursday evening they got bad. Somewhere are 2am I finally decided that a trip to labor and delivery was in order. I really, really didn’t want to present with false labor again, so I actually made John sit in the parking lot with me through two contractions (3 minutes apart at that point) to make sure it was really happening. We got signed in and it all began. I seriously have never een so overwhelmed in my life. I couldn’t explain what the pain felt like, but I know it was big, and felt bigger than me. On top of it all I had been a genious and eaten a load of junk food during the day which made matters worse. To add insult to injury, my contractions were real but it didn’t look like I was dilating much at all and the nurse was talking about giving me a shot of morphine and sending me home to see if I was still in pain when it wore off (what kind of plan is that??) Well, she called our doctor who said, “check her one more time.” I was later told that if I hadn’t of changed at all our doctor would have come in and broke my water herself, but when the nurse got about wrist deep in my cervix my water broke and the nurse said, “Well, you’re not going anywhere now.” There was a sudden fury of activity- lots of things came out and moods changed and I was soaked (as was the nurse who said that had never happened to her before, it was an amnoitic tidal wave that ran up her arm) and suddenly in a whole new world of pain. And vomiting. Fuuunnnn…but, with that, came permission for drugs. Real drugs, and before I knew it the harriest man I have ever seen was telling me to lean over the bed and administering the epidural which brought my body back to a peaceful state.
I think that was around 4:15….maybe? All I know is that I dozzed on and off, telling my Mom that I felt like a mermaid on land (no use of legs…) until about 8:30 when the nurse checked me and I was at a 9.5. By 9 am I was fully dialted and by 9:46? maybe? Camper was here. My Mom held one leg, John held the other, and I praised Emily in my head for being the best coxswain ever and making me push through those powers of ten back in my Scranton crew days- because I pushed with all my might and it seemed like he popped free in no time at all. Granter, we had a few issues. He was born with the cord around his neck, which was not cool, but he was broken free of that and I could hear him crying. We were quickly told that he was having a problem with his breathing, and he was handed to me for about 15 seconds and then wisked away to the NICU. And that’s when my heart broke for real for perhaps the first time in my entire life.
For the record, all signs indicate that he simply has an infection, probably something that I had the last week of my pregnancy or just something he just go, and he will be just fine. In the meantime though we are left with a lot of waiting. Waiting to hold him for the first time (which we did today) waiting for them to decide when they can decide when he might be able to go home. Waiting for three hours to pass so that I can pump again and try to provide even just a few drops of colostrum for him. Waiting for my milk to come in so I don’t feel so fruitless and helpless. Just a lot of waiting.
I will go home tomorrow, most likely, which is some ways is a relief and in some ways makes me want to cry. I will leave this hospital without my baby, and he will be here with the nurses in the NICU. Funny enough we chose this hospital for the NICU, even telling ourselves “not that we’ll need it, but it’s nice that it’s right there.” Well, we did need it, and I have to say I have loved every nurse we’ve had since we’ve been here (with the exception of the one who wanted to send me home back pre-epidural) and the care has been excellent. I trust these people with my Camper, but it doesn’t make it any easier to not have that perfect time in the middle of the night when I hold him and feed him and where John and I can cuddle all together in our little hospital bed and the time where I dress him in his little clothes and we walk out the door all together. We will have a different experience, and I’m trying, so hard, to be ok with that. But I’m not, and I’m not even going to lie. I cry. In between up and peaceful times, I have really, really sad times. It helps that my Mom is here and has gone through this exact experience with Jonathan, but what’s hard is that no amount of empathy or sympathy can make me less desperate to hold my baby and feed him and bring him home.
But let’s look at it this way, he is doing better. He is responding to treatment, and he should be able to go home within a week. The tubes and things that look so horrible and make him so mad are not life-sustaining, they just help him out a little, and really, he’s quite healthy. And big (8 lbs. 11 oz.) and strong. Very, amazingly, scarily strong. He’s beautiful and ours, and will be just fine. He’s in a good place, and I’m so grateful to have my Mom here to help John and me. In a situation like this a girl really needs her Mom, and I’m overwhelmed that mine is able to be here with me.
John is an amazing Dad. He just loves Camper so naturally and completely that I actually felt a little jealous that he could love someone else besides me so much. And my baby is amazing. He is going to be quite the riot to have around, as soon as we get him off the machines and he’s not so cranky. He lets us know exactly how he feels about what and I just think about his face and his smell and his noises all the time.
I think my only fear now is that whatever I’ve been going through for the last few months is somehow in him, that my mystery sickness is affecting him and we don’t know how, and that it’ll be a long road to recovery. But I just need to be strong for my son, and have faith that he’ll be completely well and in our arms and home someday soon. Keep him in your prayers and I’ll try to let that fear of mine go.
I’m a little overhwhelmed with my blessings and burdens right now, but we’ll be fine. Thanks everyone who loves us so much and has already called or written or came and visited or just texted to say hello. We’ll be back in better touch with everyone soon, but right now we’re just concentrating on our little boy and his needs. Might be a rocky couple of days, but there is sweet in there with the sour, and I’m just grateful for my beautiful boy. (Did I tell you how amazing he is?)
