Little Kite Girl

It’s been a few days…I’m not sure why I haven’t posted.  I’m actually not sure when I posted last, could have been yesterday for all I know.  But it feels like at least a couple of days.  Yesterday was nice, Alicia brought her baby over for a visit and we took a look at her pump together.  It seems to be malfunctioning- so hopefully she gets that fixed up soon.  Then Jonathan came over and we took a walk around the mall for a bit, long enough for Camper to get fussy and mad and then come back home.  We tried him back on the regular formula again to see if the medicine fixed his problems.  Guess what.  It didn’t.  So sensitive it is.

Then Jonathan hung out and held Camper for a couple hours so that I could clean the house- which is nice.  It’s SO NICE to be able to start something and finish it without a hundred interruptions, or weighing the pros and cons of allowing my baby to see me while I clean (which would keep him calm) and at the same time exposing him to noxious fumes.  Ew.  Wall-E arrived before John got home, and so we were able to cuddle with some blankets and our baby and watch it.  It was seriously cute, and I really appreciated the Mac-ness of it.  I really want a Mac.  Anyway.  It occurred to me that I don’t have a lot of “boy” kid movies- who knows, maybe he’ll want to watch Little Mermaid.  But Wall-E might be more interesting, along with Aladdin (I remember my brother always liking that one), I really want to get Finding Nemo and Kung Fu Panda, but YO.  Those movies are expensive.  He’s too young now, anyway, so maybe we’ll do one at a time.  I think I have Monster’s Inc. at home…I’ll have to go through and see.  But I wonder, are boys just more likely to watch movies like that over Cinderella and Snow White in general, or are they more prone to watching them because that’s what we show them?  I’m not sure, because I watched a lot of “girl movies” when I was growing up and I’m sure my brother watched them too, and he still calls them “chick flicks.”  So who knows.

So I’m getting the hang of this Mom thing a little more.  For instance, I’m figuring out that if I want lunch at a normal time, I should make both my lunch and a bottle about half an hour before Camper is due to eat and then set them both on the table next to my chair so that I can eat the same time he does.  It’s kind of nice because then I feel like I’m eating with him.  It cuts down on my selection…usually something like sandwiches or cheese and crackers, no soup or saucy things…but hey.  It’s eating.

Camper got his 2 month shots today.  It broke my heart into a million kajillion pieces.  For a few reasons…really.  But the BIGGEST reason was to hear him scream, and even worse to see him jump with pain at the injections.  When he gets really mad he yells, “Maaaaa, maaaaaa, maaaaaaa” and his lip quivers.  I know he’s not really calling me, but it still makes me sad.  I just wanted to cuddle him all night.  So after a bath and a bottle, that’s what we’ve been doing.  John is cuddling him and doing school work, and I’m cuddling him and studying for the GRE.  We’ve both got to-do lists for this week dealing with schools and plans and all kinds of things…so here’s hoping we get through them ok.  I’m planning on taking the GRE on December 5th or 6th.  I haven’t taken a test in a long time- wish me luck!

That’s all for now, just winding down and about to have some of what John lovingly calls, “cardboard pizza,” the fake uber-cheap frozen kind.  Yum.  Preparing for tomorrow when I’ll go to the gym, get some more paperwork and applications done, and hopefully get to some phone calls.  I HATE having to make phone calls while taking care of a 2 month old.  Like that insurance guy is going to “understand” when Camper decides to pitch a fit.  You spend the first few minutes of any “errand” type phone call just trying to get the other person understand what you need.  To then hang up because your baby needs attention and have to call back later and get a new person is a small tragedy in the world of a SAHM.  Sigh.  I’ll get the hang of it one day.

I woke up rather early today, as most days…because of my beautiful baby boy and his feeding habits.  For all those who are interested, we took him for his 2 month appointment yesterday.  He weighs 12 lbs. 2 oz., and is 24 inches long.  When he was born he was 8 lbs. 11 oz. and 21 inches long.  I was pretty proud of him! The doctor also gave him some medicine for GERD.  Hopefully that makes feeding time easier.  We also switched to sensitive formula with some improvement, but I’d like him to be able to eat regular formula again.  Maybe with the medicine he can.  It was so sweet, he was fussing yesterday in the car while we waited for John to finish an appointment. I took him out of his car seat and snuggled him up to me and he fell asleep.  After a couple of minutes he opened his eyes and looked at me, broke out into a huge smile and then burrowed back down and went back to sleep.  Broke my heart wide open.  I love this little guy.

Last night I went and got my hair cut with the fabulous Kelly.  I am so sorry to be leaving her to move out east.  This time I got more of a layered bob…perhaps I’ll do it tomorrow for church and take a picture to show you.  Afterwards we stopped by a couple places then came home, made some hotwings and watched Kung Fu Panda (for the second time, there is no charge for awesomeness) with Jonathan.  Camper, once again, kept us up til about 2 or 3…I think we’re going to stay around home this evening and try to get him to bed REALLY early and take advantage of his evening napping to see if we can get him down and comfy for the night.  With the medicine keeping the acid out of his throat maybe he’ll actually stay asleep, poor kiddo.

So yes, after getting up and chillin’ with my baby (and his best friend the bookcase, he loves looking at one specific bookcase.  Often it’s the first thing he smiles at every morning) this morning I went to work out at Curves.  I have mixed feelings about Curves gym.  I like that it’s all women, I like that it’s a circuit, I enjoy that I don’t have to think about what to do or how long to do it for.  I dislike that it’s easy to cheat, and that the workout isn’t always incredibly challenging, and that they are always trying to get you to buy stuff or upgrade or…well, buy stuff.  The one out east didn’t seem to be that way, so who knows what makes the difference.  Regardless, though, it is something I can do (read: fit into my day) that will help strengthen my muscles again and help me start to lose the baby weight.  I feel so weak, it’s sad, so I’m looking forward to getting stronger.

So yes.  Now I’ve just got some paperwork to fill out (insurance stuff, passport stuff, all kinds of stuff) and John wants to go get a haircut.  So I think we’ll pack our baby up and go out for a bit.  We got Camper’s picture taken for his passport yesterday, haha.  My Mom called while we were at Costco and said, “Why are you getting him a passport?”  Well, why not?  Right?  And now all of our passports will need renewing at the same time as I’m changing my name on mine, John is renewing his, and Camper is getting one for the first time.  I guess we’ll wait 10 years for another baby so that we can keep the whole family on the same rotation.  Haha.  Somehow I don’t think that would sit right with ANY grandparents.

Here’s a cute shot of our Camper and his SECOND best friend, Bubba Bear.

John basically intro’d this post for me, so I thought I’d follow through.  Out of all the artists at the concert last night, he liked Meiko.  All the artists were actually talented, well-trained, and interesting.  Some were interesting good, some were interesting bad.  I liked a few, but out of the ones I didn’t like, I really didn’t like Meiko.  Here’s the thing, it’s not because she wasn’t talented or attractive- she was both- maybe more so than anyone else there.  No, I didn’t like Meiko because she was…that girl.

There is one sentence that a girl can say that makes me place her firmly in the “that girl” category, by extension causing me to dislike her immensely.  That sentence is (includes all variants): I get along better with guys than I do with girls.

That is…to channel a middle school girl… crappola.  “Those girls” simply love male attention.  They dislike hanging out with girls because they are competition.  They like to string boys along, even if they don’t like them they act like “friends” in order to have a good excuse to keep them around.  More often than not the boys fall in love, or at the very least get a crush, and instead of telling them what’s what and letting them find someone else, they actually keep them from having successful relationships with other girls.  Who wants a boyfriend with a hot best friend? a GIRL best friend.  Not me, that’s for sure.

Those girls often seek out time alone with their boy “best” friend.  They secretly (or openly)  find joy when the girlfriend gets jealous, and takes that opportunity to tell the boy that the girlfriend is obviously a jealous, high maintence lap-dog type and not necessary in life.  Often, the girl “best” friend is responsible for causing the boy to stop respecting his girlfriend’s feelings, which eventually leads to a breakup.

Occasionally (meaning every so often) the boy professes his love for the girl “friend,” and she politely shuts him down, but not harshly enough to let him to move on.  I’ve seen this happen in high school, in college, and even happen to my brother.  I especially hate it when it happens to my brother.

Even more dangerous than the pre-teen or teenage “that” girl is the fully grown adult “that” girl.  She is the girl that insists on lunch dates with fully grown adult boys who have fully grown and completely committed adult girlfriends or even wives.  I really really don’t care what ANYONE says, any serious friendship with a member of the opposite after marriage has to change.  You don’t have to change how much you respect someone or enjoy their company, but you do have to change how you act around them and when you are alone with them.  Let’s try…never.  Getting married does not automatically seal your heart so that you could never imagine being with anyone else, that is your responsibility.  Fooling yourself into having a “best friend” of the opposite sex (or even of the same sex) that gets as much attention as your marriage partner is scary, and stupid.  For shiz.

You can have friends of the opposite sex, but I’ve learned various times throughout life that while 1 is the lonliest number, 3 is the most dangerous number…It helps if that friend is married as well.  But not always.  You can tell that a friend of the opposite sex is ok if 1) they are not “that girl” (meaning they have lots of friends of their own gender and gives deference and respect to the actual wife or girlfriend, not seeking “alone time” with their boy “friend”) and 2) if they show interest in getting to know and adding spouse/partner to their life as well.  If she seems threatened it means she’s got her claws in, and likes them there.

Now, let’s be real.  Quite a lot of girls are at least a little bit “that girl,” or have been at some time in their life.  Sometimes it’s a side-affect of loving someone who doesn’t love her back, and so she has friends to “fill in the gaps.”  This may have been my issue during my brief stint as “that girl.”  The more dangerous “that girls” do it for the thrill, for the love of the game, and…(this is scariest) because they can.  Sometimes it’s as simple as that.

So how did I know Meiko was that girl?  Well, she kind of self-declared.  First by singing a song that I actually really liked, “I know better than to be friends with boys with girlfriends,” and then singing a song that she wrote specifically to freak out the girlfriend of her boy “friend” who had the audacity to dislike her.  Yup.  She is that girl, and I, like any girl who loves her husband, bristled a bit in her presence.  What can I say?  I’m the jealous type.  And THAT would need an entirely new post to explain

All that said…I think I do want her music after all….

I apparently will do anything to get my kid to smile.  After changing his monstrously poppy diaper, I started humming, and when he broke out in a grin I found myself dancing around (spirit fingers and all) singing Anchors Aweigh at the top of my lungs.  I have to figure out more than Anchors Aweigh…my…la la la la….

We had a date night tonight.  An honest to shiz date night, with a babysitter and all.  Our next door neighbors (young grandparent types, good with kids) offered to watch Camper for us and we actually took them up on it. After finding Lenka on VH1 (thank goodness for early morning music videos) we found out about the Hotel Cafe Tour and their stop in Salt Lake City.  Tickets were $13 bucks a piece, so we grabbed a couple up and I spent the last two weeks getting myself ready to leave my son with someone else.  After having to leave him in the NICU I honestly never thought I’d leave him anywhere again.  We did leave him with my Mom and Dad for an hour or two back in my breastfeeding days (we went to Babies R Us) but this was meant to be a long date night, no baby chores involved.  I guess I felt a bit more comfortable knowing that our neighbor is actually a nurse, she worked for years in the NICU herself and now works in administration.  Her husband is equally amazing with kids- and aside from their skills and abilities with babies (and newborns) they also genuinely seem to enjoy them.  That’s ALWAYS a plus.

So we packed up his bottles and important things (i.e. bouncy chair), dropped him off, and went on our way.  The theatre was…well…kinda grody.  Haha.  The show was definitely interesting.  We saw Lenka and some others worth seeing, a couple NOT worth seeing, and stood in a crowded group of pulsating young people, one who first tried to pick a fight with another girl standing next to me and then proceeded to jump around in front of me like a 5 foot tall lap dog on crack.  I was close to slapping her, but thought better of it and cuddled a bit with John instead.  It was nice to be out, to get to be the only one holding his hand, and not wonder when the baby would need to go home.  All the same, I saw my Little Camper’s face in my mind every 10 minutes and hoped he was happy and knew we were coming back to get him soon.

So now I think I’m going to put my blog away and cuddle my baby.  Because he’s growing up so fast.  So so fast.

So I’m finally going to post on Proposition 8.  Not because I’ve figured anything out, because I haven’t.  Not because I have any say that I think other people need to listen to, because I don’t.  Not because John posted on it today (I’ve actually been working on this for awhile…), but that’s not the reason why either.  But because I am finally so firmly set right in the middle that I don’t know what to think.  I want to say before you read this that if you begin, you need to read the whole thing.  Any one of these comments taken out of context will not help you understand how I feel about this issue.  So read it all, or move on.  Or read part and get mad.  That’s cool, too, I guess.

Previously, my thoughts have been this: I don’t feel that the government should interfere in personal relationships, that love can’t be legislated, and that no matter how the word “marriage” is defined in any dictionary or constitution, it will not stop people from loving other people, regardless of gender.  As a result I felt that a piece of legislation saying that it did not recognize a relationship between two people was unnecessary at best, intolerant at worst, not to mention impotent.  Such a thing would be an insult to a small community of people, and that’s about it.  Now, however, I don’t know what to think.  All of a sudden it seems like there is something to be lost of either side of the debate.  It is not as clean cut as letting people make their own choices.  Is it true that letting someone else make their choice could eventually take away mine?

I, personally, don’t believe that a homosexual relationship is right.  That is a very specific statement dealing specifically with my personal life and religion.  Saying, however, that it’s not “valid,” as the proposition states, seems rough.  The words to be added to the constitution, for those who don’t know, are these: “Only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in California.”  Who can tell who that their relationship is not valid?  Recognized is one thing, valid is another thing altogether. To take it further, I shudder to think about situations in which someone’s partner could not make medical decisions for him or her in case of emergencies, or where a death would result in no rights for a long-time and much-loved companion.  But from what I understand, those rights are already protected in many states.  But I haven’t seen the laws that protect those rights.   I actually need to look those up so that I can understand this issue a little better.

What I’ve learned recently is that if marriage is not “protected,” there may come a time when my children will learn about same-sex marriage in school without my consent or foreknowledge, where my religion is forced to perform same sex marriages or no marriages at all, or where my rights as a heterosexual woman who has specific religious beliefs will be affected.  On one hand I see a group of people being allowed to make their own choices as to what they believe and their ability to act on those beliefs, and on the other hand I see another group of people being allowed to make their own choices as to what they believe and their ability to act on those beliefs.  So who wins?  The group with the loudest voice- through the vote.  In THAT way I feel like Proposition 8 is justified.  It was put to a vote, which is fair, right?  That’s why there is a vote in the first place?  I’m still not sure.

Here’s the thing.  I’m actually not too worried about Camper learning about same sex couples in school.  Why?  Because I plan to talk to him about things before (sometimes unavoidably after) they come up.  That might be sex, drugs, other people’s choices, whatever it may be.  I will not shelter my son from differences, whether they be lifestyle, religion, culture, etc.  because I think that he needs to know to make his own choices valid, and to have an argument better than, “Because Jesus says so,” when questioned about his actions.  Although the “Jesus says so” argument is good enough for me, in a lot of ways, I think that the world sometimes needs more insight into our choices, and we can often give it to them if we think about it a little bit.

As for my church being forced to perform same sex marriages…I’m not sure about that… Could those 14 words, which would allow same sex unions by law, mean that any institution that doesn’t allow them are then breaking the law?  Because that’s obviously not right, either. Not even all heterosexual couples are able to be married in LDS Temples unless they live certain standards of worthiness.  We all need to live a certain kind of life to gain what we have come to recognize as eternal blessings. I believe that The Family: A Proclamation to the World is the word of God.  That proclamation defines marriage as one man, one woman.  I also don’t believe anyone should be forced to live my beliefs.  But I ALSO don’t believe my sacred places should be shared with people who don’t hold them sacred.  You can see how this is going around and around in my head now?

There will be people who will question my faith because I admit I’m unsure.  They will ask if I believe in the prophet, Thomas S. Monson.  Maybe they’ll even be mad at me for not just knowing exactly what to do after I’ve been told what to do, very clearly at that.  That’s the thing- I’m so used to being admonished by my clerical leaders to “Vote my conscience,” that I’ve grown accustomed to thinking things through for myself.  All of a sudden they come out with a very real stance on an issue and I’m not sure how to react.  What happened to my conscience?  Is that not good enough?  Maybe this time it’s not.  In my mind I hear the words “Watchmen on the tower,” and wonder if by being encouraged to work against same sex marriage being made into law I am being encouraged to avoid a future that would be harmful to my rights or my family.  I don’t know.  I am glad, this time around at least, that I do not live in California and did not have to vote yes or no on this proposition.  On one hand taking away someone’s legal right to be married, and on the other hand giving up my right to…well, I don’t know what.

This much I DO know: There will come a time when it will not be good enough to live my own life in peace and let others do the same. I will have to fight for what I want and know to be true even at the expense of the rights of others.  I hope that by that time I will be brave enough to make the choices I need to, or have a clear enough understanding of why a law can’t be written that allows people to choose how they want to live their lives without taking away that same right from others.  Agency, the right of choice, is an eternal right given to us by God.  It seems like people often legislate that right away, or at the very least assign consequences to choices that I sometimes don’t understand.

I guess I know what to think, I’m just not comfortable with a world in which I have to think it.  I wish I could live my life and love my family and allow others to do the same without fearing that my world could be taken away.  It seems that fear is at the root of all of this.  Fear that I will lose what I cherish most because someone else decided to cherish something different.  I stand by my belief that people can choose whatever they want, whether or not I agree with it, regardless of what I think God thinks about it.  I just hope I never have to give up my compassion for others in order to be allowed to live what I believe.

I got out today!!  Yay!  I went to lunch with Anisa- it was VERY nice to go out and chat and not have to worry about Camper crying (thanks Cy’s Dad for being so amiable and watching him so much :)) and eating without worrying that my baby is hungrier than I am.  I stopped by work and saw everyone there, it seems so crazy and hectic!  My life is crazy and hectic, but just in a different way.

Camper has been a bit of a…cranky butt lately.  Don’t get me wrong, I love the cranky butt, but will someone tell me what’s WRONG with him?  Geez.  I got home from my “outing” and he was fine, snuggling with Daddy, but that quickly turned into freaking out.  I gave him a bath, and he seemed to enjoy that.  But as soon as he was dry and dressed he freaked out again.  Finally I put him in the sling, which calms him down and helps him rest, but also requires movement for him to stay calm.  So I decided to clean the kitchen.  So there I am, wiping down counters, sweeping (the tricky part was leaning down to put it into the sweeping pan thing, what is that called?), and mopping with my wee babe in a sling on my chest.  In some ways I felt ridiculous and in some ways I felt kind of like, “Wow.  Check me out.  Ultimate multi-tasker!”

What else is new?  Well, I’ve been reading LOTS still.  Right now I’m reading The Stay-at-home Survival Guide. It does seem written for Moms that would be working were it not for their new baby, which is good (I think that some Moms have always wanted to stay at home with their babies, and while they need support, too, it might be a different kind than those who always imagined working, forever…) but I’m still up in the air about it.  I’ll let you know how it turns out. Next is No God but god, a book John had to read for class and that interests me because, well, Islam is interesting to me.

Other than that, just taking care of my baby, my husband, (who in turn takes care of our baby and me, as well, it’s a nice thing we got going on…) and thinking about preparing for the big move that’s coming up…I should probably get on that, yeah?  Yeah….

Another Sunday.  Camper made it all the way through church today.  He was sleepy baby again today- which means now he’s screamy baby.  Anyone else have a colicky baby that makes you feel a wee like a bad Mom?  It’s like…if I were a good Mom I could get him to stop crying, right?  Well, wrong.  He is clean and well fed, snuggled and loved, and sometimes he just cries.  I was on the phone with my Mom and I laughed kind of near his head (not even that close!) and not only did he start crying, but he was SCREAMING.  Bottom lip stuck out and quivering and everything.  He got so mad that he had tears…running down his cheeks.  It hurts me in my soul. And all because of a little laugh.  Not even a guffaw, really.  More a mild chuckle. Wow.  What a child I have.  Just like his Mom…

Yesterday was a pretty good day, except for the BYU home game and resultant traffic.  We went to the mall and I found some church clothes that fit, resulting in me feeling like a real human being today.  There is no underestimating the power and mood booster of some clothes that fit and feel nice.  I would love to loose this baby weight sooner than later, but I don’t feel like wearing sweatpants and maternity wear until I do.  That is for SURE.  I’ve finally figured out that Shade T-shirts are indeed nicer than Down East Basics.  Way nicer- way more expensive- but way nicer, too.  Very comfortable and flattering.

So now we’re just chillin’.  We bought a marinated pork loin (I never realized how disgusting that sounds) from Costco awhile ago, and I roasted part of it for dinner along with some instabake style cookies.  Now we’re watching Oceans 13- which inspired the following conversation that I will leave you lovely people with:

Me: “We should come up with a super secret code for if thug men come to the house.”

John: “Yeah? Like, ‘There’s water in the basement and the pilot light’s out?’”

Me: “Yeah.”

a moment of silence.

John: “So what’s your secret code?”

Me: “We’ve had like 3.  You never remember them.  You never even remember we’ve had secret codes.”

John: “We’ve had secret codes?”

So I meandered over to what I wrote on Camper’s birthday one year ago, and exactly one year before my very own baby was born I wrote this post: CHECK IT OUT!!

Is animal planet somehow…physic?  Or am I? Or am I just sleep deprived and am seeing more or a coincidence here than there is?  No.  This is WEIRD.

I especially like my reference to “animal planets.”  I really did pluralize EVERYTHING, didn’t I?

It’s been a good couple ‘o days.  Poor John did make it to school and his test yesterday.  I think his back is healing, if only slowly.  I had a play date with Alicia and Spencer, and after visiting at their house a bit we went to the mall.  We walked around and did a wee bit of shopping, and Alicia and I talked and talked and talked.  It was a good time.  The highlight of the afternoon was when we went out to the parking lot to go home and Alicia’s stroller…well…it wouldn’t close.  So she is nursing Spencer in the car (because he was freaking out) and then Camper started freaking out in my car (we took two cars because who wants to move a carseat?)…and we’re both taking turns calming the babies and attacking the stroller that wouldn’t die, trying to figure out if she really NEEDS to close her trunk to get home.  Oh how different things are these days, haha.  But it was really nice to get out and chat with another Mommy and hang out with someone who can investigate the spit up on my pants (under the sling, I couldn’t see it) and decide whether it was a “pull the sweater down over it” kind of spit up or a “go to the bathroom and hose down” kind of spit up.

I got home and hung out with the fam a bit, then went back to the mall to exchange some bras I bought.  Now that I’m not breastfeeding I’m pretty sure I’m the size I’m going to be from now on.  One of my friends (a very skinny friend, by the way) had once told me that I should check out the bras at Lane Bryant.  She loved them because of a certain kind of ribbing, or something…I’m not sure.  She studied costume design so all I know is that she knew what she was talking about.  Anyway.  Yes, I know that Lane Bryant is a “plus size” store, but first of all, their sizes start at 14…which is honestly not something I consider that “plus size,” and their bras come in regular sizes starting with 36 bands.  When I worked at Vicky’s I wore a 34 band, so I couldn’t wear the Lane Bryant bras, but now that I’ve had someone habitating between my ribs for 9 months it’s safe to say I can handle a few more inches of space.  Sure enough, the bras were way comfortable, and once I found the right size (the sizing is a bit weird) I’m feeling like a real person again.  With real bras.  Kind of nice.  I still have about 20 bras from when I worked at Victoria’s Secret, all pretty much new (we got all the new styles free), which I wonder if I’ll ever be able to wear again.  Honestly…probably not.  But who knows what to do with them?  Not I, says me.  So if you’re looking for a good bra and wear at least a 36 band, check out Lane Bryant.  They are on sale right now too.

Clothes after having a baby is an interesting thing.  There seem to be two kinds of girls.  First, the kind that have their baby and all their weight falls off and they go right back to what they were before.  Second, the kind that struggle, to some extent, to figure out what their bodies will be like forevermore.  I fit more into the second.  I can fit into some of my clothes from before the baby, but they look, different.  I am a seriously different shape now.  So we started from the inside out.  Our limited budget does allow for new underwear, and a couple shirts and pants here and there.  What I really need are some skirts and nicer things for nicer events.  But here’s a question, how do I know what to keep from before the baby?  I don’t want to lug around clothes that will never fit again and just make me depressed, but then again, I do want to keep things that I’ll be able to use.  A lot of things are just a WEE too small.  Any advice out there?  Like, toss the jeans but keep the skirts?  In the meantime I’m going to try and expand my wardrobe slowly with things that are comfortable, flattering for NOW, and that can be used even when I lose more of this baby weight.  Speaking of baby weight, I think my baby is waking up from his nap Later.