Natural Sceptre

Have you ever noticed that there are some foods that people recommend for regularity? Like, for instance…”Hey, you should eat this yogurt. It has something in it that improves your regularity.” And all of a sudden I want nothing to do with yogurt ever again.

I remember babysitting for a little girl who had to drink “poo poo juice” so that she could go to the bathroom. What it really was was some sort of Cool Aide with laxative in it. Yeah. Yum.

Why do I bring this up? Well. I have a confession to make. Are you ready?

I poo.

The reason I’m stating this online and for the world to see (even though a variety of people come to my website including family, friends, Mormon bishops, Catholic priests and my bosses) is because first of all- this is too funny. And also: I need to get over it. If there is one thing that John has said again and again and again since we were married it’s, “Everybody poos, Erin.”

I apparently didn’t want to believe him, as I tried to poo only when he wasn’t around. Maybe, MAYBE in the morning if he was asleep. But mostly while he was at work or school or something or AT LEAST in the office. And NEVER with other people in the house. And NEVER at work or in public.

You see- this isn’t a new issue with me. I feared girl’s camp from the time I was 5 years old because my Mom told me a story about latrines. One of my MAJOR factors for choosing to be home schooled for a year (along with accompanying my brother, who didn’t have a choice) was the fact that I could go any time of the day. Yes. I was sick. And this is my road to recovery.

John was actually quite appalled when he found out- not that I POO of course- somehow he always knew that, but that I PLAN it so precisely. That I have such a command over nature as to decide when and where things (things in this case being pooing) will happen. On our honeymoon I had him sit in the lobby of the hotel for half an hour one day while I “did something”- that “something” being getting sick because I had taken so much immodium on our actual wedding day that I backed the whole system up and had to deal with it a week later. You see- I couldn’t IMAGINE pooing on my wedding day. This might actually be some sort of new eating disorder.

ANYWAY. So, the point. I went to the doctor this morning, and it turns out all my odd symptoms, the back pain, the abdominal pain, EVERYTHING- it’s because I am incredibly, undeniably, outrageously

constipated.

He showed me the x-ray. I know what it looks like. And I gotta tell you- the only thing worse than knowing that poo has to come out is the idea of that very same poo stuck IN. I wonder if that doctor knew what he did for me. I had a good 15 minutes to sit and ponder my x-rays while I waited for the doctor to come back. He sat John and I in the waiting room and the nurse put the x-rays on the light machines until the doctor could look at them. I watched as doctors and nurses and patients and small children wandering by pictures of my insides and all I could wonder was, “I wonder what all that dark stuff is?” There is no better way to prove to the world that I poo than to post my x-rays publicly- showing everyone EXACTLY what happens when you refuse to.

So now I’m the one with poo juice. Miralax my friends. And another nice little med that comes in pill form that I simply call “my secret dots,” because they resemble red polka dots.

And so, because I need to embrace the body I was given, and all it’s functions- I offer this post as proof and as a confession. It’s the first step in healing. I will no longer hold it. Except maybe…at the mall.