Natural Sceptre

Oh the reading day. I’ve seriously got to get to studying. Today has gone by rather quickly- it’s already dark out. I woke up and cleaned the house up a bit. Not too much, though, because honestly, I’m probably going to clean like a fiend before Christmas and visitors, etc. But before I got to homework I felt like I had to do the requisite amount of reading crap on the internet, and of course, let everyone know the newest news.

I was hired on full-time with Rich and Ron again yesterday. This time, though, it’s the real-deal…salaried, insurance (for both John and me), etc. I worked full-time with them through the summer (starting right after finals last-semester) and went part time when school started again. We were able to finish the first draft of the book and started the second pass-through this last couple of months. A month or so ago I started asking whether or not they would still have the position come January, and R&R said they wanted to see how everything went before making a decision. I was getting a bit anxious- mostly because I realised that I couldn’t be stupid and just wait to see how it all turned out, I had to start getting my resume out there again. In the end, I’ve decided that I’m very glad to be staying where I am and excited to see where it all goes. I’m excited to graduate and work full-time.  It’ll be good to focus on 27 things in life instead of 43,984.

I am waiting to hear from Westminster, so that’s a part of the plan. I’m also toying with the idea of a Greek class. I know that sounds random, but all of a sudden I’m thinking about theology again. As in, studying it. I’m thinking about ethics and books and lectures and all the things that I choose my first undergraduate university for. Who know’s where it’ll go. But, if I decide to go that route, I’m going to need Greek. ANYWAY. That is all so up in the air right now.

I actually had a freak out the other night because I realised, even after all this time, and as I GRADUATE, I still don’t know what I want to do with my life. I’ve always worked- and pretty much plan on working throughout different seasons of my life. But here’s the thing- I don’t just want to fit into some job description. I want to take my skills and interests and find a job that describes me. Last week the girl upstairs came down to ask me for some help with her philosophy paper- and as I explained stuff and we talked it out, I felt more excited about philosophy than I had in a long, long time. I still feel an inclination to teach. But the things I want to teach are not taught in high schools. I’d definitely need higher education- and although I don’t mind the idea of it, I don’t think right now is the time to start another academic degree. Thus, a few months off. Thus, starting a communications program to learn some skills.  Mad Skilz.   John has been working the dreaded job for quite some time now- and it’ll be really nice for him to reduce his hours (he’s been keeping a set amount to keep our insurance) so that he can focus on getting done with school.  Fingers crossed- next time this year it’ll be John graduating, and then we can figure out life from there.

But, with all that dreaming in the works (work, Greek, communications, la la la) I’ve still got a week of finals to get through first.   So here goes some studying.  Now….if only the girl upstairs would stop baking.  It smells toooo gooooddd…..

Let’s just say- I didn’t pass the physical science test.  100 questions.  The first 25 I made my way through rather steadily- but as soon as I hit the middle of the test, things started slowing down.  All of a sudden, I had to start guessing.  When I got to the last 25, I was back in my comfort zone, geology and astronomy…but it wasn’t enough.  The Periodic Table of the Elements literally killed me.  If I had known how much of a focus it would have been…well.  That’s that.

I was pretty upset.  I AM pretty upset about it.  I wanted this step to be the end.  I spent this week (quite a lot of it, actually) pouring through a ridiculous book, trying to remember as much as I could about all the different aspects of physical science.  Turns out, I should have focused more in certain areas, and less in others.  I guess this is why people take CLASSES.

It’s a lot of things.   It’s embarrassing, it’s frustrating, and it leaves me completely discouraged with an outrageous amount of work still ahead of me.  I have a few options- I can study and try to take the exemption exam AGAIN in January.  I can enroll in an online class that will give me credit, which WILL let me graduate by December, but costs around $400. I can find a scientifically intelligent lookalike and pay them to take my test.  John has encouraged me to not think about it for a couple days- get through all the OTHER exams I have to take this weekend, and then figure out the plan on Monday.  It’s such a mess.

More than anything, I just want to be finished with the undergraduate degree.  I thought this shortcut would allow me to work more, study more, be home more, etc.  Turns out, maybe I should have just taken another class this semester.  Who knows- I can’t go back, so I just have decide if I want to “graduate” (as BYU lets you do…) with this one last thing left hanging to be cleaned up after Christmas.  And I know how I feel about it, but I’m just not sure how to….never mind.

Just as a GREAT cosmic joke, we get to our science class this afternoon and our teacher has chosen a video to show us…all about the periodic table.  SERIOUSLY.  We’re studying Evolution- he actually said, “You might wonder why I’m showing this to you, blah blah blah,” and then we went on to discuss Darwin.  In 15 minutes I probably got enough information to do at least…5 questions better on the exam.   That, and a little more luck, could have made the difference.  It’s not enough to fail the test, I then have to go to a class where I’m presented with a power point outlining just how simple it all is. 

I did learn something about Darwin that I hadn’t previously known.  When deciding whether or not he wanted to get married, the CONS on his list were, a) less freedom and b) less money for books.  I peered over at John who genuinely exclaimed, “Those were on MY LIST too!”  It made me laugh.

So tonight there is more studying, some cleaning, maybe some working out.  I feel deflated.  I’m not sure where I’m going to get the motivation to finish everything.  I guess I’ll just have to do it.  That’s all.  I really, really want to graduate, SOON.  I’ve dragged this out for such a long time (although, for less time than average for an LDS guy or girl going to BYU) and I desperately want to have this done and move on.  I will, I know I can- I didn’t fail a CLASS, after all….just an exemption exam.  I know I have time, in life, to wander and do all the things I need and want to do- it is what I make of it, after all.  I guess I just wanted to have it made already.  Sigh.

…And climb high, to the highest rung, to shake fists at the sky.  While others have excuses, I have my reasons why.
*Nickle Creek, Reasons Why

It’s RAINING. It’s raining. It’s raining. I cannot tell you how happy this makes me. As I was driving Jonathan to work this morning (he works landscaping) I said, “What will you do if it rains?” I meant, “Will you need to be picked up because your job is an outside job,” but he responded thoughtfully and seriously, “I will prance around like a gazelle. One of the small, light ones.” And that’s what you get when you stick two New England kids in a desert and expect them to get by with cool showers and lots of lotion. Actually, that was my first tip off this morning. I woke up, and didn’t immediately run for the lotion in an attempt to rehydrate my hands and face. Sometimes I wake up feeling so dry I think if I move to quickly I’ll crack and fall on the floor in a little pile of dust. Ok, maybe that’s taking it too far. But, anyway, I’m very, very happy that it’s raining. I hope it lasts past noon. I’m wondering if it’ll even last an hour.

So yes, everyone, I picked up the dress. It is currently hanging on the wall in my bedroom on a hook specifically installed for this purpose. When we picked it up yesterday, I was soooo nervous. It’s definitely fitted. It’s definitely heavy. So- I’ve started a new “be strong enough to wear the dress” program. It sounds silly- but I need to walk more and go to the gym a little more (meaning at all) so as to not be huffing and puffing around in this thing. It fits- but I don’t want to Dorito myself out of a dress in a month- so I’m going to be a little better about the millions of chips and peanut butter cups I usually consume daily. But it’s pretty. So pretty. It makes me feel pretty. I’m very, very happy.

My Mom is also sending me out a print of the painting we’ve chosen as the theme for our wedding, it’s Chagall’s Three Candles. We’re going to use it at the reception (my mom also used it for the stamps on the invites…she’s a crafty one), but then just have it at our house when we’re done. It’s so beautiful, what a good mom, huh? She’s also sending me out my map of my mission area in England and some lace that we had framed when I got home last year. This home is going to get decorated, yet!

I have to say, for the record, that I feel like the luckiest girl in the universe right now. Too many good things, a fiance who I LOVE, who cracks me up and and makes me think and supports me in all of my desires and endeavors, a brother who loves me enough to brave utter dehydration to spend a couple months with me before I get married, parents who understand and love me, and support my life choices, AND, ON TOP OF ALL THAT my new expanding family is loving and supportive and wonderful as well. Oh yes, and don’t forget a cozy, attractive place to live and good friends (the soul kind) scattered from coast to coast. Don’t know what I did to get it so good, but I’m happy about it.

Ok. I think I’m done running at the mouth about how I love my life right now.

I’ve almost, just almost, killed my plants. I followed through with the “quest” for nutrients- went out and bought some Miracle Grow. Not sure why, but I kind of feel like using some sort of watered-down miracle drug for my plants is cheating. I don’t know what ELSE I would do…but I’m getting over it. So, they’re all perking up except for the littlest one, who has some sort of mold issue. I brought it home from my office yesterday and put it outside with the other two, but now I’m wondering if it will spread the gross mold to the other plants. The mold is disgusting- seriously looks like goo from those old Ninja Turtles movies. I’m not sure why I’m so insistent on growing stuff, anyway. Perhaps it has something to do with my lack of skills in other areas. I would at LEAST like to have healthy plants.

Went to the library yesterday- dragged John along. He hates the library- I’m not sure why. He’s told me, but I don’t really understand. I know that he prefers to buy books, which I understand, but I’m not always so sure that I WANT the book. I just want to SEE if I want it. In a perfect world full of free books, I’d LOVE to own all the books I think I might enjoy, but alas…must buy gas… I’m trying to figure out if I would be more interested in young adult literature, regular fiction, nonfiction, etc. etc. etc. when I try my luck getting into publishing. Granted, I’ve got a semester of college, a couple years left (trapped) in Provo, then some Grad school, and then most likely an entry level position getting people drinks before I actually achieve the kind of status that allows me to read and edit what I want to read and edit. With college and work, I haven’t really read a lot this past year. That’s not true, I’ve read a TON of stuff, if you count Heidegger and Kierkegaard and Frege. Yeah….

It’s Friday again! That seems a little crazy- the week has flown by so fast! Work is good. We’re getting a process down, the book feels full of promise. I wondering if I’m as passionate about the subject matter that we’re writing about as I am about this new experience in writing and editing. Only time will tell- all I know is that I’ve found a job that’s giving me daily insight into something I think I may want to be doing for awhile in addition to insight into things I’ve never considered but find rather interesting. That’s pretty good, I think.

That brings me to my next topic. I picked up my application for graduation today. I stood impatiently as a soft-spoken man reviewed the last four years of my life, deciding for me if it was time to move on. I’ve just got some odds and ends to finish- more a result of transferring than anything else. Also, my little foray into “International Studies” proved a bit of a time waster- I should have met up with economics sooner. As he scrolled through my life, muttering and making notes to himself, I realised that it’s happened AGAIN. I’ve made it through (or almost made it through) yet another milestone just to realise it’s a joke. Don’t get me wrong- I’m SO GLAD that I’ve chosen to get a degree, I’ve loved my major, and I feel (contrary to popular belief) that I’ve learned some valuable things. However, that illusion that college somehow helps you decide what to do in your life is shattered. It seems like there will never be an end to decision making. Sure, I’ve almost completed a degree, but most people don’t end up working in their field. I still get to wake up every day and wonder what I’m going to do- what I’m qualified to do.

John and I were talking the other day, and I came to the conclusion that there are two kinds of people. People with experience, and people with promise. Most people have a bit of both, but start their career expedition at one end of the spectrum. I’m (hopefully, at least) in the promise end of all that. I’ve had some experience, sure, but when I’m forced to pitch my abilities, talking through my experience lasts about 14 seconds, and the rest is pitching the promise. It’s not a bad thing- it just happens to be the stereotypical state of post-undergrad, pre-grads.

So: current plans, pursue editing/publishing. I need to take a deep breath and remember what my FAVOURITE teacher told me once. My senior year of high school, I took two (maybe three?) of Mr. Duquette’s classes. (We were on a block schedule, so we went through more classes, less time.) At some point during the year, I “realised” I wanted to teach English. I was madly passionate about books. Mr. Duquette supplied a list of books I’d never considered before, and had quite the experience reading. For example, he had us reading Jonathan Kozol’s Amazing Grace while simultaneously reading Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged. He seemed to concoct reading recipes- putting seemingly disparate subjects together to make a point. Some of us got it, sometimes.

ANYWAY, after one particularly interesting lesson, I felt completely overwhelmed. I wanted, so badly, to be able to do what he did. And Mr. Duquette had a nasty habit of giving me D’s. I was a straight-A student in High School, but for some reason, Mr. Duquette gave me D’s. I would ask him and he would just say, “You missed it,” or “That’s not your best.” It drove me CRAZY. Turned out he was trying to teach me something he thought I needed to learn…but that’s another story for another day. I went up to his desk after class one afternoon and had to fight back emotional alligator-type tears to ask him if he thought I could ever be a teacher. He looked at me and said, “I’ve got a secret to show you.” He moved some things around on his desk, and uncovered three huge, black binders. Inside were magazine clippings, articles from the newspaper, photo-copies of passages from books, hand-written notes… I don’t know how old Mr. Duquette was, probably early 60’s, but it was clear that he had spent a lot of time finding things and reading things and learning things. He told me that there was no way I could remember everything. That’s why people started writing things down in the first place. The next day he gave me something. A book called Alicia’s Journey. He said that he had picked it up from the bookstore and was thinking about adding it to the reading list for next year. He didn’t have time to read it, though, and wanted me to check it out. I went home and read it all in a couple of hours. I was expecting an amazing book- I thought it was going to give me direction in life, contain some secret message/wisdom from my mentor. It sucked. It was weird, and I didn’t enjoy it at all. I told him the next day that I hadn’t liked it - that I didn’t feel like it had any kind of coherent message, and that it made me feel lost. He said thanks, and that he wouldn’t bother adding it to the list. Looking back now I realise that he was actually just showing me what kind of skills you really need to do his job- and it had nothing to do with knowing everything. He was a smart guy. Sometimes I wish I could still have him as a mentor. He died shortly after I left town to go to college- but I’m glad I got to take some classes from him and form an attachment. He was remarkable.

Anyway…I didn’t really expect to remember all that. I guess that point is that I don’t feel qualified to pursue some of my goals in life. I guess the point of this is that I really haven’t ever felt qualified to take the next step, and yet, it always seems to work out. College applications, Freshman year all the way up to my mission, transferring schools, the various jobs and opportunities I’ve had along the way. I think I expect things to happen Bass Ackwards sometimes. As if I need to be qualified for life that I haven’t lived yet- that I have to be “ready” to experience the things that will make me ready and make me qualified.

A very long entry saying that I just need to chill out.