Natural Sceptre

“We classify deformations by whether the object returns to its original shape after the force is removed. In an elastic deformation, the object returns to its original shape. The deformation is plastic if the object keeps its new shape, even after the deforming force is removed. If a large enough force is applied to any object, the deformations will be plastic. For example, an elastic band can only be stretched so far before it breaks. The elastic limit is the transition point between elastic and plastic deformations of materials.

Here is an animation demonstrating a material being stretched with increasing forces until it reaches its elastic limit, at which point it is permanently deformed.”

And yes- I am thinking about my pregnancy while reading this.  I didn’t watch the animation.  Couldn’t bear it.

Apparently John is waiting for me to post so that he can. I think I’m just tired of talking about last Saturday- and enjoyed a nice retreat from the world for a couple of days. But let’s go back to the beginning.

Friday evening I got a text message from my boss telling me to meet him at the office on Saturday. I did, and I no longer have a job. I could talk about how it was a surprise (which it was) and how it was confusing for me (which it was) and how I felt hurt (which I did) but I think I’m just going to let it all go. I have my opinion about what happened- and I know that what happened and what I was told didn’t quite match up. But I don’t feel like fleshing it all out online. Reviewing the miscommunication that occurred will not help, and honestly, I’m happy to be moving on.

The weirdest thing is the lack of closure with my projects. I still have SEO thoughts running through my head- things that I wanted to do with the website, and I hope that they have the time/desire to finish what I started. I was really excited to be working on the website- and knew that I could do some good things. So I guess I should stop thinking about creating static pages and how to streamline the quiz- and what the people are saying on the forums. It’s just not my job anymore. And as for the book- I knew that there would come a point when I wasn’t needed anymore. The process was getting very laborious. The best work came when I was able to understand their thoughts and their passion- and then capture it and review with them. But it took a lot of time and energy to do that- and I knew (and had suggested) that once they got a publisher/agent that my job might be more hassle (as in telling me what to write as opposed to writing it themselves) than it was worth.

So now I am a free agent. I’ve put in about 2958 job applications the last couple of days. I’m kind of left hanging- waiting to see how it all comes out.  The newest excitement has been getting health insurance.  Turns out- the biggest GRIPE of my life (BYU, and their refusal to make my graduation “official” b/c of the online class) is among the secret “wait and see how it turns out” blessings of the semester.  John and I are now insured through BYU- again- and can be as long as we need to be.  More than that, because we can BOTH register as students (as opposed to me registering as his dependent) the rate is very affordable.  And will take care of our needs.  Which makes me happy and grateful (officially) to be at BYU.  But only for now

So- the end.  I’m hopeful.  I think things will turn out ok.  I’m really wanting them to.  I’m willing to work to make them so.  And the rest of life…well, that’ll just have to wait until I’m feeling a little more like talking.

It’s been a day.  So…I’ve been sick for a little while now.  Not like, debilitating sick, but uncomfortable and experiencing odd, off-putting things.  For your sake, I won’t share. One certain problem got a lot worse over Christmas- and even thought the very last thing I want to do is go to the doctor- I’ve decided that I’m actually freaked enough and bothered enough that I need to go.  I just hope they have something to tell me, something to do, something to make it better.  As I get older I’ve realised that sometimes doctors can’t fix things.  Sometimes they don’t know what’s wrong.  And so…sometimes you have to be subjected to a variety of uncomfortable tests before they tell you that whatever you have will either go away…or get worse.  Great…

So that’s got me worried.  I told my Mom and she said I might as well not worry because I’m doing everything I can.  I’m not worried about what I will do.  I’m worried what the mystery doctor will do.  I wish I had time to get some recommendations or something.  But hey- I grew up going to Navy doctors.  A new one every time.  I’m used to saying, “I’m allergic to penicillin” 14 times a visit.  So whatever.

So…another unpleasant thing.  I was at work today when I got a phone call from Westminster.  I had told them that I wanted to start in May because there was still paperwork pending on my graduation from BYU.  For all intents and purposes, I’m done.  But there are just a few things that have to go through before I can get my diploma.  Westminster assured me that I could still attend their school- and that they’d just wait for my official transcript in April.  I believed them.  Turns out, though, that no matter HOW willing THEY are to take me- the federal government doesn’t help people who are stuck in between.  No financial aid, no school.  The thing is- I KNEW that.  I knew before that my ‘tween status would through a kink into the mix.  That’s why I was SO surprised that the school was moving forward so fast.  When I got a phone call the other day saying that I could get aid as long as I registered for 4 credits- John and I drove up there like crazy people, and we got there just before the office closed.  I was soooo happy and really…well, content that I wasn’t going to be left out of this semester.  It got my hopes up.  School means a lot to me- and this way I could have everything.  I could work full time and progress the project with Rich and Ron, and fit school in just one night a week.  It was perfect.  Too perfect.  And it’s not going to work out right now.

I just want to feel happy that school is done- but honestly, I just feel scared.  Maybe things will even out.  I just feel like someone has snatched my security blanket and won’t give it back.  And I haven’t seen my husband all day- and I won’t until 11pm.  Because now I work all day.  And he works all night.  And I just want a hug.

My brother came over tonight to visit and to figure out some stuff he has to do.  I told him it’d be alright.  He told me the same thing.  Honestly, I know that my life is good.  I’ve made all the right choices up to this point (Ok, the BIG important ones anyway)  and I’m in the right place, married to the right man, doing the best I can for my family.  And I know John is too.  And so- I guess I just need an adjustment period.  And I need to know what’s next.  So for now, just waiting.  Learning to be content.

So. Carl’s Junior has mystified me once again. I have to say, before I moved to Utah, I had never in my life heard of Carl’s Junior. Anyway. I’ve always been bugged by their advertising. There’s this one of this slightly hot trucker chick eating a taco salad with her fingers. And then there’s this other one with a surfer eating a sloppy sloppy burger while watching a plastic hula girl dance on his dashboard. All of this kind of makes me associate their burgers with soggy napkins and sex. Ew.

Lately, though, they’ve changed their tactic. They’ve got this whole, “Don’t bother me, I’m having lunch” deal going on. They show car salesmen and teams working in office buildings. Then, they took it a weird step too far. They’ve got this HUGE burger with mushrooms on it that they call the “Six Dollar Burger.” When I saw that I thought to myself: wow, that’s a crap load of money for one burger. Apparently the rest of the world thought the same thing, because the next time I saw a commercial it was a similar situation, business guys sitting around, except this time they were all paying the guy who bought the burgers making comments like, “Wow. What did this set you back? $20?” And the guy’s mouth is full of amazing portabella burger and isn’t able to clarify, “NO, this is the 6 DOLLAR burger, ONLY,” and so he gets a 20 off of every guy there. How charming. I was convinced. And as if that weren’t enough- they’ve started saying things like, “The kind of burger you can get at those other places for $20- but at Carl’s Junior- it’s about $5. The 6 Dollar burger.” Is it…about $5….or is it $6…..I think that Carl’s Junior is recruiting their advertising team out of middle school.

Stupid stupid stupid cold germies flying around the air.  I had a feeling I was catching something as I was sitting around in the ER for HOURS with my brother the other night.  Around 4 o’clock yesterday I started to feel like someone had punched me in the throat.  Last night was never ending- and I woke up every four hours as if the Theraflu had an alarm clock on it.  Poor John had to wake up to a hee-dious monster all clammy and pouty and saying, “I want my Mom.”  So he went out and bought soup and spaghetti o’s and some saltines and some ginger ale…and then had to leave me to go to work.  And so here I am.  Trying to ignore the fact that it’s CLEANING night and try to get better.  The thing is, though, when people say, “Get better,” they’re not actually telling you something that you can DO.  What they’re really saying is, “Sit around and eat stuff, and drink stuff.”  Honestly, I like sitting around- but I like sitting around AFTER I’ve cleaned things up and gotten a responsible amount of homework done and done the things I need to for work.  It is very frustrating to be unable to do anything without getting winded and feeling like my head is filling up slowly with sand.  I feel like I’ve been sick quite a lot this season…I guess a lot of that had to do with the vitamin from HADES a doctor gave me a couple months ago.  After being sick forever I finally just wised up and started taking two Flintstones to take care of my nutritional needs.   Nice Tummy-Friendly Flintstone vitamin.  But yeah- I have a cold.  And am grumpy about it.  But, on the upside, my Mom did call me earlier and chat to me until I feel asleep.  That was nice.

I’ve lived in a lot of different places. I grew up in Navy Housing, which in my earliest years, seemed like a safe place to be. That is, until, we were told that we weren’t allowed to go trick or treating because some kid got his guts torn out with a fish hook. It happened in another neighborhood down the road from us, and in front of some kid’s house that I went to school with. I remember, too, the time that someone was shooting the windows out of people’s houses at night. My Mom moved the entertainment system in front of the window. Then there was the wife beater next door- his wife ran over to our house one night with her baby and asked to be let in. My Mom let her in and locked the door behind her, which was a good idea, because the guy decided to come and bang on our door until the police came and took him away. I loved those doors in Navy housing. They were painted white, but I remember scratching them with my ruler and hitting metal underneath. It was not the kind of door you wanted to fall and hit your head on. NOT the kind of door that you wanted to slam your fingers in. Fingers didn’t stand a chance.

Fast forward a few years, and I’m living in and working in Brixton and Peckham, London. I’m out until 9pm, regardless of whether or not it gets dark at 5 or 8:30. I’m visiting with people in their houses, and walking through brawls on the street. When I moved to Reading, I thought I was safer. But Reading provided me with one of the scariest experiences of my life: I actually thought I was going to be killed. But I wasn’t. I was fine- I got through it all and miraculously didn’t loose any sleep over it. I loved when I lived in Brixton because we lived at the top floor of a townhouse. To get to us, you had to go up three flights of stairs. The bottom floors belonged to Maggie and Stan. We had to walk through their living room and through a level of empty bedrooms to get to our rooms. Maggie was a sweet woman who, interestingly enough, wouldn’t take anything from anyone. Stan was a large man from Israel who delighted in making us curries hot enough to sear our brains on Sunday afternoons and telling “callers” that we were women of God (we lived and worked there as missionaries) and that he never wanted to see their faces again, and that we better not, either.

Why am I going through all of this? Well, I’ve had a lot of time this weekend to reflect on times of my life when I’ve felt unsafe- or, times when I should have felt unsafe and didn’t. I thought about my Mom, who lived on her own with two children most of the time, and who never flinched when things got dicey. When my Dad got home from sea and was put on permanent shore duty- sure, I saw her get nervous then, but never once in all my years living with her alone did I ever once see her cry and say that she was scared. On Friday night John ran someone out of our backyard, it’s someone who’s been caught peeping in our windows (and the upstairs windows) two or three times. John spoke to some people about it yesterday, and it ended up that a few people came forward and told us exactly who and what we were dealing with. The new knowledge did not make me feel any better. We spent Saturday night putting up more blinds in our windows, and I made makeshift curtains to hang over them so I didn’t have to worry about this man looking through the cracks at me. We’ve made more plans to replace a door, get some better lighting, and made a few other purchases that make me feel more secure, and give me a way to take care of myself. I’ve also got a list of people sitting on my bureau that have told me to call them, anytime, day or night, if I need them to come over. One man sat in our living room yesterday and I couldn’t help but see my Grandfather and my Father in him- the big type of guy that comes of gruff, has the reputation of being an opinionated guy who has his own priorities, and could probably beat the crap out of you if it came to it.  But here’s the thing: I’ve learned the secret.  When they’re eyes are that kind and that soft, you’re probably ok.  That’s coming from a girl with a lot of experience in seeing through the “tough” ones.  I have a giant of a father who has run off more than one date that I probably would have liked to go on, and had a grandfather that probably scared the pants of most of the community although he only stood a little over 5 feet tall.  And I love those men.  But anyway- back to my story.

So, what we’ve got is a guy with a warped sense of entitlement looking through the windows, hiding in the backyard.  And more than that, we’ve got an entire neighborhood walking by once in awhile, looking our their windows more often, and keeping an ear out for my phone call.  More than THAT we’ve got the police department, who probably knows more than we do, even, involved and in the loop with what’s been going on around here.  Even with all of that, I’m not sure how to not be scared.  Honestly, a little fear can keep us smart sometimes.  But I’ve taken back my living room.  I don’t know if my Mom was scared sometimes, and just didn’t show me, or if she just decided at one point it’s not worth it trying to protect yourself from everything, because you just can’t.  I feel angry, violated, and more than anything- incredibly defensive of my space and my home.  But honestly, I’ve been through worse.

I love using different pans to cook dinner.  When I first moved into this place, and for most of the summer, all we ever did was cook Kielbasa on the “contact grill.”  I say “contact grill” because it make my mom laugh every time I said it.  Haha.  It got to be that I HATED washing it.  We went between tilapia and rice….kielbasa and rice…chicken and rice, and I hated how heavy and how snappy and how hingy it was.  After we got married and after John moved in, all of a sudden we had a rice maker (two! one doubles as a steamer!) an electric skillet and a wok.  Tonight we made stew beef, fried in the wok in extra virgin olive oil, onion, garlic and celery salt with mixed veggies and smashed potatoes.  And John made fresh bread (gluten-free of course) so we even had warm bread out of the breadmaker.  It might be somewhat simple…but I looked at our plates tonight and felt proud.  Grownup food!  I’ve EVEN started to use the OVEN.  As in, make chicken or pork chops in there.  It’s a brand new world.

I’ve also been searching for the perfect strainer.  We got one for our wedding that’s great, and has hingy legs that hold it up over the sink, but I found it too big for most every day uses.  Then, we had two wiry ones that were IMPOSSIBLE to clean.  Who knew?  Not me!  So I bought one from Wal*Mart that I thought would solve the problem.  It didn’t work.  I had five…and none of them made me happy.  Then John and I were wandering around IKEA and we saw this.  APPARENTLY, they are called COLANDERS, and this one has changed my life.  I love it, it’s perfect.  And seriously, $1.99?  That’s amazing.  I love IKEA. 

Today has been pretty good.  There was sleeping, there was breakfast…then we ran some errands.  I was a little stressed because we needed to go to Costco.  It’s a love/hate relationship with Costco…I love filling our freezer with meat, and not shopping for a few weeks…but I HATE dropping however much money it takes to do it.  Then, I remembered.  I got a rebate check from when I bought my computer earlier this year!  It covered the bill exactly.  I love stuff like that!  We also had to get a part for John’s car.  The fan relay was broken, and was stuck on the “on” position.  This little problem killed his battery at work the other night, and he could drive his car just fine as long as he got a jumpstart.  So, 20 minutes of driving around, a few dollars (ok, a few more than a few) I pulled my car around and we hooked them up, John put in the new part, and Wal-Lah!  Fixed.  I am so happy to be married to a man that knows that fan relays exist. 

I had to review a movie for my film class again…I chose Amelie.  A French film that I love.  Here’s the thing, they played it on campus at the International Cinema, but I didn’t go see it there, I opted to rent it instead.  Turns out there is a bit of nudity and sexual content that probably would’ve been cut out if I saw it on campus, as well as a montage of a sperm fertilizing an egg and a baby being born (about 5 seconds long) in the opening.  I have fixed feelings about this.  I can’t even explain to you how much I love this movie.  John watched it with me today and said, “Of course you love this movie, Amelie is you!”  She collects rocks just to hold them and throw them, loves to put her hands in bins of beans, just because it feels nice, and has a series of other idiosyncrasies that mirror my own tendencies to get lost and pay attention to little things I enjoy.  I love how she falls in love- I love that she helps people find happiness and see the extraordinary in the ordinary, but I know that I couldn’t recommend the movie to anyone.  It’s French…and so the sexuality isn’t the same as you would see in an American movie- and it is definitely not just to draw viewers.  There is no element just thrown in to be risque, it’s all part of life, a commentary on being human- imperfection and quirkiness and all.  And even still, I see that Mormon-Ad with the ice cream sunday with a bug sticking it in reading, “It’s good except for the bad parts.”  But there’s something in me that just won’t see this as ugliness.  I generally have a pretty sensitive spirit when it comes to movie, but I felt uplifted by this one.  What do ya do?

We watched another one this weekend for my film class called, “A Room with a View,” by the BBC.  It was a little older, and was full of a specific kind of English Humor that I love…(this Sense and Sensibility, not Mr. Bean).  Again, we encountered a scene that we DEFINITELY wouldn’t have seen in the International Cinema.  There are two younger guys and a Vicar who all go swimming somewhere in the middle/end of the movie.  Things are going swimmingly until all of a sudden, they’re naked and chasing each other around for 10 minutes.  And it shows EVERYTHING.  Seriously.  I’VE SEEN A NAKED VICAR.  Or, at least, an actor playing one.  John and I were shocked…stunned, not sure what to do.  I have no idea how that’s even allowed.  Let’s be honest.  No one wants to see that.  What’s up with BYU picking foreign films with nudity, cutting it out for the IC, and having all kinds of students forming a love for a film that’s going to SHOCK THE CRAP out of them in 5 years when they decide, “I loved that movie, I should buy it and watch it again!”  One of those, “I don’t remember THIS part” moments.  3.  Naked.  Men.  That’s all I’ve got to say.  BYU is responsible for that one.

So now I’m going to do some work, then write up a bunch of reviews of these films online…and then maybe do some science.  Life is beautiful, minus naked vicars, that is.

Well, here is the “welcome the weekend” post.  As I’ve said before, I try and stay away from my computer on Saturdays and Sundays…because honestly, I spend most of my waking hours online the rest of the week.  It’s a little sad to me, but between work, school, and chatting with John, I am rarely far from my computer.  It can be tiring, and I love the weekends full of sleep and driving out of wireless range and wandering around stores and up trails and in short: NOT being “available.”  John and I got somewhere last week, I’m not even sure where we were, maybe the grocery store, and realised that we didn’t have our cell phones.  At first, we just stood there and looked at each other in the middle of the aisle, not quite sure what to do.  I checked my purse one more time, and after a second, I felt this weird feeling.  Freedom.  We really enjoyed those 10 minutes in Harmons, completely “uncontactable.” 

This weekend I’ve actually got a lot on my plate.  It’ll probably be a blur, and then gone.  The next couple of weeks will be a lot of exams and papers, and I should use the time to get ahead a bit.  We’ll see what I actually do.  I am the QUEEN of procrastination.  I know a lot of people claim that title, but I actually can’t even function unless something is actually due.  Last week Jonathan came over to my house wanting to watch something, and I said, “I can’t, I have to write a paper.”  It was about 9pm…he said, “How long does it have to be?”  I said, “10 pages.”  He said, “Oh.  When’s it due?”  I said, “Tomorrow morning.”  Haha.  He thinks I’m crazy, but I’ve been doing it this way for so long, that I’ve gotten used to it.  I know which classes need what level of attention, and I don’t give it even an ounce more than it needs.  I need to graduate.

So yes, the coming two weeks will be like an educational gauntlet.  I’d like to say that I won’t be posting for awhile, because of all the stuff I have to get done, but the amazing thing is I’ll probably post more.  Just to procrastinate.  Or to complain. 

So, the weekend.  What shall we do?  Tomorrow John and I will probably sleep in, and then we’ve planned to go to the temple.  After that, John is meeting with a co-worker, Bruno, to work through some comic/story ideas.  Then the evening is ours.  I don’t know what we’ll do, but it will probably have something to do with eating and watching.  Maybe Borders.  Maybe something more exciting.  Who knows?

This is an aside, but here goes.  In my film class, there is this certain couple that ALWAYS bring food.  And I don’t mean a little baggie of popcorn or some pretzels- a full on meal, complete with food groups.  This isn’t too uncommon, lost of people eat in class around here (and bring relatives…as in, mothers and nieces.  Actually, people do weird stuff in class around here), but I’ve noticed that their food is outrageously pungent.  They look like an eclectic couple- the girl’s hair is Sinead O’Connor-esque and the guy is lanky and very blond.  He wears a wedding ring.  She does not.  Confusing.  ANYWAY.  So I’m sitting right now in the JFSB, just writing a blog and waiting for John to get done with class- when I actually get distracted out of my thought process by the smell of food.  I turn my head, and sure enough, there is eclectic couple…eating away.  What do they DO to that food?  Seriously?  And why are they following me? My eyes are watering.  How can they eat that?

 Anyway. I think I’m going to close this, and read my email, and then pack up and go and meet John.  One class left for the day, and then he’s got to work, but hopefully it’ll be a good restful day. 

Oh!  And John and I got the Across the Universe Soundtrack, AMAZING.  I’ve never actively listened to the Beatles, but the new sound really helps the lyrics and messages appeal to a whole new generation.  They really are timeless…Just cool.  Definitely feel cooler knowing Beatles stuff.

Ok, off for now!  Nothing else til Monday!

A bit of a rough day.  Woke up, really hesitant to go to school.  I did anyway- John and I parked, walked up to campus, and I went to class.  I guess the GOOD thing about me going to class today was that our teacher took role-for the month of September.  He said he was becoming concerned with the lack of attendance, so he made this morning a catch up.  This professor probably knows me better than any on campus (that’s not saying too much, really) and would’ve known had I not been there.   So good job I went.

Class, today, was about extremists- and their utility or in-utility with regard to faith.  Jesuits were brought up.  They were brought up out of context, and the person talking about the order, I think, mixed them up with something they saw on that saw on The Da Vinci Code.  Wanna made me really, really angry?  Diss Jesuits at 10 am, when I haven’t had my mini wheats yet.  Just for the record, I love the Jesuits.  If I were a man, and not LDS, I’d totally go in that direction. 

Anyway.  Day declined steadily with a bill from my insurance company and a terse conversation with an impotent secretary, a parking ticket because BYU has bipolar/split personality parking disorder (one day Y lot, next day G lot), and general frustration about all things BYU/money/life related.  I got jerky.  Then I cried a little.  Then we made some eggs and things were ok.  I started with my regular clean the house on Friday nights routine…and I’ve gotten into watching 24 a bit.  Tomorrow we’ve got conference tickets…and I’m hoping it’ll be relatively stress free….and a good day.

 It’s the weekend :)  And I made yummy yummy chicken soup for dinner for when John gets home.  I MADE IT.

What a day.  I, officially, might be a psycho.  Woke up this morning EARLY (before work) and went to the doctor for some unpleasant chest-type pains/head aches I’ve been having.  Ends up, they think it’s a stomach acid thing.  Which, I guess makes sense, considering the amount of fast food we’ve been eating lately, and the stress I’ve been feeling.  Admittedly, I have a lot to do, but not like, “leader of the free world,” or “mother of small children” amounts of things to do.  And yes, I did imply the same level of busy-ness there.  Who knows, maybe I’m a little more overwhelmed by school, work, and extras than I thought.  I started to feel SUPER ew at work today, and John told me that I needed to come home.  I got home sometime after 3:30, and he effectively drugged me and put me to bed.  Ok, he gave me some nighttime flu/cold medicine, and I cried because I felt like I had too much to do and couldn’t THINK (I’ve been mixing up words all day, saying somthing different than I mean..not good for an EDITOR), and then he put me to bed and went to work.  I slept hard for about three hours, and have spent the rest of the evening working on my practice science test.  I feel a lot more sane since the nap.  He must be smart, or something.

So yes…will finish up here and hope a good night’s rest will kick the cold out of me.  And hope the medicine the doctor gave me will make my tummy oh so better. Please, because apparently, after 24 years of life- I still can’t figure out limitations and how to take care of myself.  I just fly myself in a brick wall and then get suprised when I crumple like a little bug.  Ok.  That was dramatic.  But next time you start crying in the middle of the day for NO REASON, and you figure out it’s actually because you feel horrible and have for days and have ignored it until it feels “normal,” and then you keep saying and typing one thing and meaning another, then yeah…little bug.