Soapbox on Praise

The Master said: ‘Artful speech and an ingratiating demeanour rarely accompany virtue.’ -The Analects

I studied Confucius’ Analects while at Scranton. I loved it- I realised that I was ill equipped to live the ideals, but wanted to try. I first heard/had a conversation about praise in my philosophy of conscience class. The passage we discussed was as follows:

“The true gentleman is easy to serve, yet difficult to please. If you attempt to please him in any improper way, he will be displeased; but when it comes to appointing men to work, he has regard to their capacity. The inferior man is hard to serve, yet easy to please. If you attempt to please him, even in an improper way, he will be pleased; but in appointing men their work, he expects them to be fit for everything.” -Analects XXV

Basically- to be a noble man (or woman) means to be hard to please. Now, that doesn’t mean you’re a tough guy all the time. It doesn’t mean that you don’t appreciate good work- it just means that you praise things that are actually praiseworthy. As part of that, the noble person is able to judge a person’s capacity and then praise them for the highest that they have to offer. The don’t expect more, they don’t praise less. I think that’s an important part of that nobility- to correctly assess what other’s are capable of. And, of course, when that is not possible, reserve judgment in general.

I’ve been reading some things on line about how you can never give someone too much praise- and when it doubt, offer praise! When I worked with Limited Brands it was always, “Praise, then correct.” It’s interesting that the Doctrine and Covenants tells us to “reprove betimes with sharpness …showing forth afterwards an increase of love” (D&C 121:43). Afterwards. As in- don’t flatter your way into someone’s heart.

I’ve experienced it a few times- incessant praise that at first seems nice. Comforting- but then soon, it become absolutely empty, and finally, annoying. Often, this kind of praise is used as manipulation. A tool people use to think they can get to do what they want you to. When really- you’re probably just doing what you’re doing because you made a commitment. And the praise means nothing.

Often, people praise others expecting praise back. This is the WRONG reason to praise someone. This is simply selfish- and it shows that you are self-involved and shallow. A bad combination.

You can either be fueled by character and integrity, or by flattery. If you do what you do because you think it is right, because you are driven to fulfill your commitments, and because you want to offer the most you have, you will succeed. If you do what you do to be noticed by others- you will fail. Because a fact of life remains: people are more interested in themselves than in you. For sure.

If you are the victim of flattery- you should probably change your position. Like it says- the flatter is hard to be around and easy to please. Until they decide to be pleased by someone else, or themselves. Ok, that sounded bad. But moving on.

It’s just something to think about. I’ve heard of women who praise their husbands when they do something good hoping for a repeat performance. That’s seriously one of the most manipulative things I ever heard. I mean- if you decide to communicate that you need something, and get a repsonse, I think it completely appropriate to express gratitude. But saying that you are grateful for something is different than trying to train your spouse like a dog.

Yeah. So that was random, but it’s been on my mind for awhile. So out it came.

Infuriating

MAJOR props to Anderson Cooper. It’s no secret among those who know me that I have always respected (read: had a little crush on) Anderson Cooper. He is the son of Gloria Vanderbilt, and although he was born into an incredible fortune, he went to school and pursued a career. Aside from being really smart, and absolutely unafraid to investigate and report on some of the world’s scariest situations, he also successfully got through a conversation that I’ve never seen anyone maneuver through well: the Scientologist vs. Psychology debate.

If there is one person on this planet that gets me angrier than spit (yeah, that doesn’t make sense) it’s Tom Cruise. He is just so ARG. Whenever I hear him talk to someone it’s just “If you study the history of…..” and “You don’t know what you’re talking about, you haven’t studied,” and “You can’t even have this conversation, because you don’t know what I do.” So yeah- maybe I haven’t studied as much as you have, but does that make me unworthy to even talk to?

So anyway- back to the actual subject. Tonight on Anderson Cooper 360 there was some representative from Scientology there to talk about Psychology. He had three lines he kept repeating again and again and again, and he spouted a bunch of numbers about the number of people on psychiatric drugs being twice as likely for suicide. Anderson asked if maybe, just maybe, they were more likely to commit suicide because of whatever problem they had that required them to take the drugs in the first place. I did a little couch dance. Then Anderson asked if Scientology was against talk therapy- because not everyone who talks to a psychologist is treated with drugs. The guy ignored the questions and went back to talking about shock therapy and how it’s inhuman, citing the fact that even a 5 year old knows not to stick their finger in a light socket. Ok, well that’s nice, but back to talk therapy… Anderson said that even Scientology uses talk therapy to help people get over problems- and the guy said for the THIRD time that Scientology deals with the spirit whereas psychology simply pretends to be science. Once again, not an answer to the question.

So Anderson didn’t get any real answers out of the guy- more like bumper sticker mantras- but I was proud that he didn’t get sucked in a round of general arguments that don’t actually say anything. The guy had a ton of scary numbers- but Anderson had the numbers, too. He knew the data that the guy had taken and spun and changed to make it work for his own purposes. He was well prepared and wasn’t going to accept non-answers.

I don’t want to diss Scientology. I DO want to diss that guy, and I do wish Tom Cruise would disappear from society. Just become a recluse. A quiet one. I know that I get angry when someone represents my religion in an ugly or ignorant tone- and I think that this could totally be the case when it comes to Scientology. I wish that someone in an official position would let us know what’s true and real with regard to their beliefs, so we wouldn’t have to simply believe whoever talks the loudest.

Dear Utah Drivers

Dear Utah Drivers:

I got up this morning to find the greatest snow on earth covering our little area of Utah.  It was breathtaking…and annoying.  I knew that I had to go to work- and that meant braving the roads.

You see, Utah drivers, I used to drive in the snow all the time.  I grew up in Connecticut, Massachusetts, and lived in PA for awhile.  I never had big cars with big engines, but I did ok.  Mostly because people knew how to follow the rules.  The SNOW rules.  Yes, there are rules.

Like for instance, Mom in the minivan- you DON’T pull out in front of a teeny little car going straight down a road covered in snow.  That teeny little car will not be able to stop for you- even slowing down quickly can cause that teeny car to slide off into the side of the road cursing your existence.  But you wouldn’t know that- would you- because you don’t look in your rear view mirror. 

And for you- silver bullet-y car.  It’s important when you get up in the morning to clean your car off well.  I know it’s cold outside.  I know the snow will get in your shoes.  I know this because I cleaned my car off, too.  But here’s the thing.  If you can’t see out your back window, well, then, you don’t know who is behind you, do you?  And don’t forget the roof.  While you don’t look through the roof, once you hit that magical 35 mph that snow will come off in a big wet sheet blinding me and other cars around you.

And finally-just for everyone.  I know you’ve become accustomed to driving however you want.  You just pull out and let others deal with it.  You just change lanes and let others deal with it.  You just stop- and yeah, you guessed it, let others deal with it.  I’ve gotten used to this little quirk in your nature.  I’ve even grown to foresee what you’re going to do- it’s worked out ok.  But if there is one time when you need to make sure you’re giving people a little extra room, and using your eyes…and your brain…it’s during snowy weather.  You don’t need to go 25 mph…but you DO need give everyone a little space.  For example, that law-prescribed 2 car lengths between me and the car in front of me- that is NOT an invitation to squeeze in.   I can see how sometimes that can be cute.  But not today.  OK?

Most Sincerely:

Your Disgruntled New Englander

On Boys at BYU

Boys at BYU are stupid.  It’s official.  When I first moved here, I was told about the whole “Dating Smackdown” talk given by…um, maybe Boyd K. Packer? Basically, you actually need to DATE.  Make a time, pick a place, pre PLAN.  I thought, at that time, that the talk was kind of funnily irrelevant.  I had dated, and I had relationships that didn’t follow that pattern, but were serious, or serious enough for me at the time anyway.  Turns out, the talk was necessary AND relevant, because BYU boys are DUMB.  And the girls are dumber. 

I went to my little bro’s house last night for a Transformer’s party, and his roommate had some girl there.  Girl was VERY into roommate.  She was very affectionate, open about her feelings and her level of commitment, and quietly attentive to only him.  HE on the other hand, would completely ignore her as she hung on him.  He bought a big screen TV, and I was (rudely, probably) asking how a college kid could afford such a thing.  He answered that he is young and single, and has a good job, and nothing or no one else to spend his money on.  Girl responded: “You can spend your money on me.”  He just laughed.   He was borderline ignoring her.  He didn’t touch her, or look at her directly, she was just like a lamp, or a cushion on the couch- a clingy clingy couch cushion.  It was sad.

Walking to this class (sitting here waiting for my 7pm to start) I saw a cute girl with an ok guy walking toward the road west of campus.  He was saying something about his roommate’s girlfriend:

“She is seriously the cutest, coolest girl ever.  I mean, he is really lucky.  She’s really fun and has a good family…..”

Meanwhile cute girl is looking longingly at him. I wanted to stop them and say, “Ok, she is MUCH cuter than you.  You better get over your Jessie’s Girl syndrome and look at who you’ve got standing right next to you.”  It’s sad.  They probably wouldn’t have even known what JEssie’s Girl is.  Whatever.

Conclusion: Either guys around here don’t feel like dating, don’t actually want to get married or even have a relationship, or they are just TOO dumb to do it on their own.  I can just see it now.  It’s health class, junior year of high school, and they separate the guys and the girls for “those” lessons.  The only thing is, it’s different here in Happy Valley.  They tell the girls that they just need to pick a guy and  follow him around until he finally decides that he’s ready to take an interest and take you out, and for the guys it’s about how they need to remember to wear deoderant and keep their  language clean. 

Phew.  It’s infuriating to watch.  The guys infuriate me, because they OBVIOUSLY don’t value the interesting people they have around them, and the girls make me sick because they allow themselves to be treated like that. 

When I first started dating John, I hadn’t dated since I lived in PA.  There was never anyone in Dalton that I really dated, and I had been on a mission for a year and a half before jumping in my car and driving towards BYU.  When John asked me out…it wasn’t some grand gesture leading to an empty relationship, it was a simple invitation to spend time together.  At that time, most of my friends were guys.  I lived with two girls who constituted my “girl” friends, but my social circle outside of where I lived were mostly guys from my ward or guys from my classes.  As I started dating John more and more, those guys just kind of slipped into the background.  One of them, in particular, went a little weird on me and decided to tell me that I should break it off with John before things got too serious.  John was convinced (and still is) that some of these guys that I hung around were interested in me.  But my question is, interested in me HOW?  They certainly never asked me to do anything with them, one on one.  They never called me or tried to learn about my family or what I was studying or what I wanted to do after college.  They never tried kiss me, or even hold my hand.  So WHAT exactly, were they interested in?  I saw them all the time, they made time to be “around,” and nada.  I honestly wasn’t much interested in any of them, but is this what BYU girls experience on a regular basis?  Just boring blah-ness? 

I’m glad John asked me out.  I’m glad we began to date regularly.  We honestly, didn’t even kiss for quite a long time.  I was still mission-stupid, and he was just getting to know me.  It was commitment.  It was an inquiry into our two lives, to see if we were compatible, and I’m so glad that we found out that we were. 

A Rant about BYU Philoso-Students

So.  BYU offers quite an odd selection of people to have classes with.  I just got finished with William James- a class I’m taking from the same professor that I took Kierkegaard from last semester.  I love Professor Paulsen, and I like his emphasis, so I knew I’d like the James course.  As I started the reading and went to class (he always does a two-day biographical introduction at the beginning of the semester of the author we’re studying) I discovered that I do, indeed, really enjoy William James.  That is, until people begin to talk.

 So, a little background.  The text we’re concentrating on right now is called “The Varieties of Religious Experiences.”  James goes through quite a bit of trouble to make one certain point: the experiences he focuses on in his essay are personal, meaning, not necessarily connected to any church or ecclesiastical organization.  Rather, he wants to talk about actual, personal experiences.  James himself, interestingly enough, admitted to living a life of rather small amounts of religious feeling or sentiment.  He said that he was not of the disposition to often have spiritual feelings or thoughts.  For most people, religion is lived because of habit, in imitation of those who do have and exhibit real religious fervor.  We’re not talking small names here.  He named, specifically, Christ, Mohamed, Buddha.  Any person can have direct connection to the Divine- and THAT is what he wants to discuss.  The varieties of experiences that a person can have, that are considered religious.  We actually began a rather interesting discussion on whether it is doctrine that feeds our experience or experience that feeds our doctrine, and came to the conclusion that for the purposes of James, we’d focus on what HE choose to focus on, as the question can be answered both ways.  Experience.  At this point, brown-shirt boy decided to interject. 

“We keep throwing things around that we haven’t even defined yet.  How can we pretend to have a conversation about personal religious experience when we have yet to define what that even means.”

OK.  So yes.  Freshman year in a philosophy major, people are attacked because they don’t define their terms.  It’s true.  When you are studying Aristotle and Hegel and all the great, misunderstood philosophers, all in one course, we tend to get our definitions wrong.  It becomes fun, even “smart,” to insist that in any argument, your opponent defines the terms as she is using them.  That’s probably just a good practice in any argument.  But, for the sake of this class- it just so happens that personal religious experience is just what it sounds like.  A feeling of peace as you walk though the woods.  A surge of urgency to make a difference to someone as you start your day.  Anger or indignation at the state of your life, and a choice not to pray.  All of these things reflect what we are talking about.

Philosophy can hardly be considered a “practical” science in the same way as chemistry or biology can be considered practical.  However, what many people fail to realise, is that philosophy is forever evolving, and that those subjects that we consider “science” actually began as philosophy.  Untested theories and ideas about the world around us.  Philosophy, then, is the way we try to make sense of the world, our interaction with other people and with God, and the way we understand communication, the way we choose what is right or true, the way we decided what actions or thoughts have value, and which do not.  What may seem like fluffy philosophy right now maybe be an idea well on its way to becoming psychology, linguistics, astronomy, or even….dare I say it, law.  SO.  The point that I’m trying to make with all this is that philosophy in a very real way IS practical- it’s just practicality in such a baby-stage that it’s hard to recognize. 

All that said, students (and I say students b/c I have rarely seen professors, that I respect anyway, have this problem) often try to be overly analytical with philosophical text.  It’s almost as if, because it is philosophy, they want to make it MORE convoluted and hard to understand than necessary.  Often, the author will give you everything you need in the text to understand the position they are taking.  A key for their own writings.  The problem with undergrads is that they rarely read enough (pages or volumes) to really understand what is being said.  Instead of finding the author’s definitions and intentions, they create their own, all the time calling themselves a “brilliant philosopher” with “philosophy skills.”  In the words of one of my FAVORITE teachers, you have to be willing to let the tree come to you.  Where that phrase comes from, no idea.  In essence, there is a tree.  It is high, lofty, and full.  You can spend forever in the branches and make up a story about where you think the roots could be coming from, OR, you can follow the trunk and see it for what it is in its entirety. 

If philosophy is a way to understand life, it won’t be easy to make compact or clean cut.  But, a philosopher can be precise in that she can take each separate part for what it is, and nothing else.  You can see its relation to other things, but leave it to stand alone.  Or, you can leave it tangled up in such a way that it’ll never be free.  It just depends on what you’re talking about.  William James used the word, “arbitrary” quite a few times, to indicate that he was choosing just one tiny facet- from among all the possible facets that exist- and concentrating his effort on studying just that.  A small mind, or an argumentative one, would see the word “arbitrary” as a weakness in an argument.  Or, at very least, say that choosing an aspect at random would make your argument so narrow that it couldn’t possibly stand up against all the variations that you could run it though.  This was the point that some of the students were trying to make.

Here’s the thing.  THEY wanted to do it all once- talk about which type of religious experience is best. Compare and contrast, lump it all in together.  James isn’t asserting that the other half of what they need to know doesn’t matter.  He is simply giving this half its due- studying it out in full, and waiting to get into the other side of it until he is satisfied that he has considered this part fully.  Then, and only then, will he go on to something else.  After all the small facets are investigated and thought-out, he can compare.  Which argument would you believe more?  Someone who tried to look at everything at once and made a hasty decision based on their limited understand of each side?  Or someone who took all the time necessary, who was more concerned with a thorough job rather than “getting it done,” and someone who allows the “misty borders” to exist, and who affirms that “we can perfectly well afford to let the minor notes and the uncertain border go.”  In saying this, it doesn’t mean we won’t get to it later- so don’t freak out little BYU undergrads.  If you want that border clear, you need to start deep inside putting things in order- and find your way out that way.

One of my FAVORITE comments of today was about how William James hasn’t yet included (in the text we haven’t read all the way yet) a lot of examples of what he means by personal religious experiences, as opposed to just plain regular experiences.  A guy raised his hand and said, “Maybe he just didn’t have a lot of BYU students running around, willing to offer him a way to talk to people with religious experience.”  Yes.  Because the only people in the history of mankind who have personal religious experiences are people who attend God’s Great University.  And William James…he was writing when?  The mid-1800’s-1900’s?  Out East?  Everyone knows nothing religious of any importance happened out there during that time period.

 Seriously.

Hell’s Fargo

So, my time with Wells Fargo bank has been rather uneventful, til now. Except for the outrageous amount of mail they insist on sending me, I think we’ve been pretty happy together. Considering that I’m getting married in two weeks and John has been with his credit union a lot longer than I’ve been with Wells Fargo- I thought I’d switch banks. That way we’ll be able to have access to all the joint accounts and personal accounts and credit cards and anything else we decide to set up, easily, online, and in one place. So, I left work for a few minutes today with the intent to leave Wells Fargo behind forever. I’ve already opened up another account with America First, switched my direct deposit and gym payment, so what’s the big deal, right? Well, apparently, it IS a big deal.

I arrive at the bank which is actually smaller in square feet than the office I work in now, but staffed with about 15 people, well, 15 visible people anyway. A blond girl with too much lipstick greets me and says, “HOW can WE help YOU today?” After I had taken a moment to cringe, I told her, “I want to CLOSE my ACCOUNT.” So we shift to the right about 4 steps and I find myself in a cubicle filled with a man who looks at me like, “What do we have here?” I sit down and say, “I’d like to close my accounts.” He takes my Social, and asks, “Can I ask why?” I say (stupidly) “I’m getting married,” and he leans back and looks at me, then decides to spend a few minutes giving me a lesson about how, I “shouldn’t just close all my accounts and count on my husband to handle the finances, that’s a lot of burden for a man after working all day, as well” and ON TOP OF THAT (you know, all the tedious paperwork that two students could possibly accrue) I “need to establish my own, individual credit score,” and “what if something happens and you’re left on your own?” I could feel the heat start to build in my stomach and work it’s way up my neck, and all I could say was, “I’m quite prepared for any situation that might arise, I assure you. Will you close my accounts now?” He goes on, “Also, it’s important to establish credit history with banks and credit unions OUTSIDE of Utah County- it may be comfortable now, I’m sure you have family all over these parts, but you probably won’t get to stay here forever.” I stare at him blankly. I was furious but simultaneously discrediting anything anyone says that contains the phrase “These parts.” He turns to his computer and scrolls through my transactions for the past month. All of a sudden it was like I was naked sitting in that little cubicle, and THEN, I SWEAR he smiled like the Grinch, turned to me and said, “If you wanted to close your accounts so badly, why did you use your cards?” Then he looked behind me as if some angry fiance would be standing behind me, appalled at my thoughtlessness. I looked behind me to see what he was looking at (just blond girl, alone in the foyer, chewing her tongue). It was the weirdest accusation in my whole life. His tone said, “I know you don’t really want to close your accounts.” I said, “I’m sorry? I used them on Tuesday, and I paid off my credit card balance yesterday.” He replied, “I can’t do anything for you for 3-5 business days. Maybe you should think about this.” More blank staring from me. At this point, I WANTED to stand and say,

“You know what? You have been the most unhelpful jerk of a man to give me unsolicited marriage advice in WEEKS. I’m not sure you even have a BRAIN. I am NOT from Utah County, and have probably had bank accounts in more places than you’ve SEEN, and even have an account open in my own name on the EAST COAST. ALSO, if you want to throw down credit scores, let’s do it! I bet you anything I’d win. I might LOOK young, but I am not an idiot. I am also not your daughter, and not here for marriage counseling. And thank you, as well, for the kind warning that my husband might not live forever. That’s especially timely advice 2 weeks before my impending wedding. I do realize that if my husband were to die, at that devastatingly sad juncture in my life, the one thought I’d think to myself is, my one big regret would be: ‘Oh, if I’d only stayed with Wells Fargo.’ And as for the little incident with my card at Lon’s Cookin’ Shack two days ago, I WAS HUNGRY. Do you HAVE to smirk about it???”

But just like so many moments in my life that seem to have the same exact theme as this one, I hardly said anything that would shock this moron out of his sexist, thoughtless, inappropriate habits and just left.   Maybe the next girl to come in will need the advice.  I just needed to leave.

I don’t know whether to be mad at all the idiot girls who get married and decide to become so anonymous and dependent that they warrant this kind of advice (even though there were aspects of this advice that NO ONE WARRANTS), or at this man who clearly didn’t understand that because of his ramblings I no longer had time to go get something from Subway.

A Little Whining in the Morning

An interesting drive to work this morning. In case anyone was wondering, Provo is officially the worst place in the entire world to own and operate a motor vehicle. It is downright dangerous to drive here. I have never in my entire life seen so many aggressive, reckless, selfish drivers in one place. In my dear home state of Massachusetts you get an aggressive driver here and there, every once in awhile a reckless one, usually just clueless people on cellphones- but people in Provo tend to be all of the above. I don’t necessarily think it’s the locals- since Provo is literally little Mormon melting pot- it’s probably a mixture of styles. I have a theory about how being told that you’re the chosen generation too much can have a negative affect on your driving, but I’ll save that for another time.

So, besides the typical people randomly veering into my lane for no reason, cutting me off, and blatantly running red lights (it’s amazing) we had an odd assortment of added extras this morning. I saw TWO humongous lawn mowers driving down the road, dead center- driven by girls in pink hoodies (Powder Puff Law Care?). Also, they were repainting the arrows in the turn lanes again. I have never seen a state so fastidious about their turn lanes. I’m sitting at a light in the the lane going straight, when all of a sudden a truck pulls into the turn lane to my left going in the wrong direction. About 5 guys, moving fast, jump out- reminiscent of Oompa Loompas, and proceed to lay down a pattern and spray paint the arrows. All I could think was if that paint “sprays” onto my car- I’ll be having Oompa Loompa for lunch. The light turned green and I moved on.

I also saw two people get pulled over by the police this morning- besides those two police cars I saw another squad car and a Sheriff’s truck. Add on about 8 Provo Town Maintenance trucks, and you can see how I felt weirded out. Almost like at any moment “the man” was going to take over the city.

Oh Provo.