Natural Sceptre

Jonathan: Hey Sister, notice anything?

He sticks his tongue out at me.

Me: No.  Ew.  What?

Jonathan: LOOK.

Me: Where’s your tongue ring?

Jonathan: Well, it was bothering me.  I was moving it around and it was clicking against my teeth.  I figured that’s not going to be good, later in life.

John: You figured? Or someone told you?

Jonathan: No, I pretty much just realised it on my own.

And this people, is one of the many reasons my brother cracks me up.

I’m so incredibly tired today.  Work was quite a struggle- all people who opposed me got kicked in the head.  Ok, maybe only in my mind.  But still, it was pretty rough.  My tiredness could be due to a couple things.  First, growing a human inside me.  Second, sympathy tiredness from John staying up until 2am to study last night.  Third, moving my little bro in.  Last night I went and got my brother from his apartment and moved him into our office/baby’s room/junk room.  The room is now full to capacity- which is always a wee stressful to me.  But I’m trying to be chill about the whole lots of stuff thing.  He’ll move into a new place on the 1st, so in the meantime…I guess we’ll just enjoy the boy’s company.  He stayed home sick from work today and I actually had the thought, “He’s seriously just sitting there, breathing all over my stuff.”  It irked me, so I came home from lunch and brought him some Lysol and instructed him to spray everything he touched.  Because he has a cold.  On the way out the door he kissed the top of my head and then proceeded to cover my head with a cold, wet, sanitizing spray.  Thanks brother.
John finished his finals today Good job him.  This semester was rough, what with all the job changes and the fact that he now has to go to campus on his own, and the baby which by extension means my emotional instability…I can see how it’s hard to do the student thing some days.  He studied quite a bit this week- and I’m happy to say he moving on to the next thang in the progression.  Which involves more classes…but also just two terms and one more semester before graduation.  When I was driving home from work tonight I saw a guy and a girl in robes up by the Cougar taking pictures in their caps and gowns, a small baby between them.  It really is quite the thing to do around here, isn’t it?  I’m not going to walk- I’m not sure if John will desire to walk.  But I think the accomplishment still stands.  Another remarkable, albeit quiet achievement that gets us moving in the right direction.

I think it might actually start to be spring a bit around here.  On my drive home there is a road entirely lined with purple flowering trees.  They’re the type that look gorgeous and flowery for about 3 weeks, and then loose all their flowers and fill in with a bunch of leafy green.  I hear that there might be snow tomorrow morning (hence the reason I still haven’t washed my car, although is has become a birdy porta-potty) but I’m holding out for warm weather and flip flops.  Please please please.

Just feeling generally good today. Life is sweeet. I was able to get a bunch of little things done yesterday post nap, for example…got my “loan exit counseling” done so I’m all set to graduate. I got a card from my Mom celebrating. I heart my Mom.  I can’t believe I really am ALMOST a college graduate. I also got the stuff together for our new phone mail-in-rebates…it’ll be a bit before we get them but my eyes are already glistening with excitement at the thought of a trip to Costco once they come in. ALSO, I got the classes I wanted for this summer. It’s been a long time in coming- I’ve had to check every day for a couple of months, but when I went on last night they had magically created another section and WA LA. The schedule I wanted/needed for this summer, all set to go. In order to be a half-time student I needed four credits. I signed up for Intro to Teaching Writing, a 1 credit course on Wednesday nights for the month of May. There are only 4 classes, so I don’t have to worry about that one getting in the way of work too much. The problem was that there were only two 3 credit classes offered, one twice a week (Technical Writing) and one once a week (Effective Presentations). I REALLY wanted to take Effective Presentations, not because I just LOVE to speak in public…but because it meets on Thursdays from 6-9. This means a few things. First, I won’t have to leave work early, an hour is plenty of time to make it to Sugar House from here, and I’ll only have to go up once a week after May. This is good, as I’m sure my girth will be increasing and I’ll be getting more and more tired as Little Camper gets bigger. (This is my new online name for the fetus.) I just feel like it worked out perfectly, just perfectly, and what was previously stressing me out a bit has turned out to be something I’m excited to start.

I’m actually getting a little freaked that I’m going to work so hard to arrange it so that I can stay home with Little Camper (post-exit) and then go absolutely stir crazy. I was talking to my Mom about this before, and I hate not working. I’ve pretty much assumed that I’ll be staying at my current job for the duration of our time in Utah- but I’m looking at how it works out with John’s schedule and I KNOW it doesn’t make sense for us to get childcare. With so many decisions to make about what to do and what not to do and when to do it- I think I really need to take a breath and look at it from John’s perspective…let’s make the moves as it becomes time. You know me, I hate waiting and I HATE uncertainty. But I guess that’s what makes it fun, huh? Yeah. Fun. Plus, for all it’s headaches, I’m settling into my job quite well these days. Sure, I get jealous of John’s student lifestyle at times, but I’ve got it pretty good, too. I guess another thing that really bugs me is the whole “This is what you should do because God says so” aspect of it all. I think that perhaps, just maybe, John and I have our fingers on the pulse of what we’re meant to be doing with ourselves making adjustments as necessary. The prevailing mindset in Provo, however, is “do it our way or be shunned.” I’ve already encountered a little judgment with my desire to start grad school this summer (as if cookin’ a baby requires me to stay home and knit stuff?) and with the good possibility that John and I will be juggling Little Camper around two hopefully complimentary work/school schedules. God FORBID John has to give him a bottle every once in awhile. Anyway, that’s my rant on that. If it didn’t make much sense it’s because I’m still trying to figure it out in my head.

The last couple of days have been pretty fun. I mean- who doesn’t love a good meltdown over Flintstone vitamins? As John and I were having our nightly “huddle around the vitamin counter” moment last night, he made an offhand (joking) comment about how I eat all the red ones. This hit me so hard that I immediately starting crying (the hard, can’t breath, can’t stop the tears kind of crying) intermixed with laughing because I felt so stupid that I was crying over vitamins. He just hugged me and said, “Whoa. That was an unexpected one.” Yes, yes, it was.

I’ve also been dreaming about floods again. I have NO IDEA why these dreams have suddenly come back. I remember having my first flood dream when I was about 5 years old. I had then the whole time I was growing up- but they stopped when I went on my mission. I haven’t had a flood dream for years- generally they’re set in CT at one of the houses I grew up in, and normally I’m doing regular type stuff when a flood warning is issued and I’ve got to find my family and make sure we’re all safe. True to form, that’s how they’ve been again. It’s weird dreaming about CT after all this time, and the odd thing is that I keep dreaming about people who have passed away as if they’ve been in CT this whole time. Pregnancy hormones, you think? Who knows. Ok- back to work.

My husband gave me the stinkeye in church today.  He gave me a weird look, and I said, “Don’t give me the stinkeye!” (Juno inspired, of course) He responded with the ACTUAL stinkeye.  Rather well done, if I do say.  I spent the rest of the meeting him begging him to do it again and having him call me a child.  Hmmmm….in other news, we went to the zoo yesterday.  Things went well until I saw the gorilla.  He just looked at me kind of sadly…he was too smart to be in there.  It ALMOST killed the joy I felt at seeing the baby giraffe…which was bigger than I thought it would be.  All in all, it was about an hour and a half of walking up and down hills, which was probably good for me.  I should definitely make it a habit to walk more during the week.

In other OTHER news, my husband has called off the bet.  During conference I lost a bet (having something to do with which speaker was next) and got stuck with the punishment of picking the next 100 movies, restaurants, activities….you name it, I had to pick it.  John hates picking things, and I hate asking him to and then going back and forth for hours trying to figure out what we’re going to watch/do/eat…so as a result of the bet I was stuck with the completely autonomous decision making power.  I think I probably got about 5 in before he called it off.  Apparently, because “I’m a good one.”  Phew.  Good thing, cause I had just decided to make him watch Juno 100 times.

More later…..

This is gonna be short because I’m way tired- but we found out today that our baby is a boy Shocker, huh?  For some reason we were working under the assumption "girl," but I think we’re both finding out that reality and a for real honest-to-goodness PROOF of an ultrasound feels better (and scarier) and more exciting than anything we might have had in our heads before.  Now we just have to figure out a name!  Suggestions are being taken from anyone who cares to venture one.  One condition, you have to have a reason for suggesting it.  (My Dad came up with that one earlier when he suggested Gordon "because it’s cool.") Today went by like a flash- busy all day at work, came home to run to WalMart, go on a walk down the hill and back, and then some house stuff before heading to bed.  I’m BEAT, I’m happy.  I feel- like a Mom.  Just a little.  And I’m going to have a little boy.

So I’ve decided. All my blog titles from here on out are going to be lines from songs that I’m listening to lately. So if you can guess what they are, great, if you can’t, and you want to know, you can ask. This one’s from Regina Spektor. And yes, I’ve changed the look a bit. Truth told, it’s not fall anymore…so we needed some revamping. The more I look through these things online the more I realise that I really, really need to figure out my own design situation. I’m going to start my HTML book soon- so we’ll see what that does for me. But that’s enough of the site news.

I’ve got a bunch of random thoughts that I’ve been meaning to share as of late, so here goes. First of all (starting with this evening) chicken legs are CHEAP. And they taste GOOD. Tonight we made very successful BBQ legs, rice, and coleslaw. The chicken took about an hour in the oven….and I wouldn’t mind speeding that process up a bit…but the effect was well worth it. John ate it rather hungrily, and I always feel good when I discover something he enjoys. Earlier tonight I posted a couple of pictures of my rapidly expanding belly- mostly to show my Mom. When my Dad saw them he saw, “Looks like that baby has ear bones.” Which is my father’s way of saying, “I heard it last week when you told me your baby has ear bones now.” Which is funny- at least to me.

Also- we’ve been spending most of our later evening hours watching The Cosby Show on DVD, one of my Christmas presents. Seriously- I’m obsessed with Bill Cosby. I want him to deliver my baby. My Mom says that he’s not a real doctor- everyone says he’s not a real doctor. But I don’t even care. Maybe he can just be in the room when I’m in labor and crack jokes. On TOP of that, my brother SWEARS he saw him at the Provo Town Center Mall this past weekend. SERIOUSLY. Bill Cosby.

There have been a couple more changes around here lately. Mainly- we’re driving two separate cars around these days. I have to be honest- except for a couple of times when things got dicey, I actually enjoyed getting a ride to work in the morning and going everywhere together. It was kind of nice in a way that it’s rather hard to explain- when we got the Subaru we were both a bit put out but couldn’t figure out why. And that feeling was quickly overwhelmed by absolute joy at finding such nice car and me not having to get John to work by 8am on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

Also- we’ve declared a texting ceasefire. We found out that we went over the limit on John’s phone this last month…costing us about $30. I have unlimited texting on mine, but I am unapologetically still on my Daddy’s family plan. (Thanks Dad) Which will stop in a couple of months. But instead of upping John’s limit- we decided to stop texting so much. And I think I’m addicted, honestly, but getting used to it. I didn’t realise how many times day I would text him, “So, what you up to?” etc. Silly silly.

So, what am I reading? Well, I’ve found a few new blogs- which, if you’re like me and like to stalk blogs- you might want to take a look at. A lot of them I’m run across through Blog Her, and who knows! Maybe one of them will see this link and be surprised that I go to their site. But here goes:

Kimba, who is also pregnant. Congrats!

Secret Agent Josephine

Melissa the Mouth

and

The Alpha Mom - which is kind of a repository for interesting consumer/mom stuff.

I’m also reading Stardust- a book John bought a couple of months ago and just finished (it’s been in his “to read” queue since before Christmas). It’s so different than the movie- but good. It’s nice to make time to read in the evenings…even though I think tonight be a lay-head-on-pillow-pass-out night.

OK, that might be all for now.  Just a bunch of jumbly thoughts I wanted to get out…hopefully I’ll have more time now that I’m liberated from the science class online.  PHEW.

So. I said I would write more, and I didn’t. Sorry. Still working on that.

This week flew by. It was payroll at work- and, since I’m the payroll person, I ran around like a chicken with my head cut off making sure I got everyone’s commissions, time off, hours and overtime, la la la la la. It was pretty tiring, but I’m still enjoying the people and the days don’t go too slowly. My evenings were mostly filled with laying around, studying for my science final, and well….trying to force myself to eat something. And yes, I’ve TAKEN the final. Finally! I had a slight (ok, major) freak out on Thursday night when I realized that although I am able to retake the final if I don’t do well enough, but don’t have enough time for it to be graded and take it before the graduation is long gone…..that I really needed to do well. I felt under-prepared and trapped ONCE AGAIN by BYU and their invisible ploys to keep 20-something’s attached to campus. I mean, with so many people fasting for admittance across the nation, you think they’d help a girl out trying to get out. But maybe not. But I took it. Friday night- and I don’t think (knock on wood) that it went too badly. I felt fine going through it- and except for the weird feelings I had standing in the line waiting for my exam with my baby bump…and the fact that the testing center does NOT cater to pregnancy with their super long exams with no bathroom breaks…and the air conditioning right on my head….I’m somewhat confident that I’m done with this class. Which means I’m done with my undergraduate education. Granted, I could be delusional, and my uterus pressing on my bladder could have blurred my judgment, but I’m hoping I’m done.

I was talked to Alicia about graduation- and I guess she’s going to walk. I feel so ridiculous at this point- having prolonged my graduation as long as humanly possible, missing deadlines, etc…that I don’t feel like it’s worth it. It’s also just more money and a long ceremony that I will most definitely either feel nauseous through or have to pee during. And although I don’t really WANT to walk, necessarily, I don’t know. I just remember thinking about graduation in Scranton and feeling excited to go through that with my friends. I even still have the tassels (somewhere) from my honor society that I never wore. I gave that up, and for a good reason. I still have wonderful friends, but not that memory. I’m glad that I went on a mission, but I’m learning that the sacrifices you make to do something like that last longer than 18 months. There are things I’ll never get back- and I don’t think walking at BYU will get it for me. Of course, I know for a fact that I would not in ANY way be the same person that I am today with my experience in England. I mean, there was living in the UK- which was an experience in itself. Then there were the people, who are amazing friends. Finally, I learned a lot about God and a lot about my relationship with Him as a real, caring, and personal being. I don’t regret going. But the things that are sacrificed are gone- and I hope I can just remember how glad I am for what I traded them for.

I remember and playing “college” with my cousin Melissa (going from room to room with my girl scout books, pretending to have “classes”) and how I would dream about graduating. Yes- some girls would play house, and I would play college. Granted, quite a lot of the time I’d have a baby that I brought with me to classes, I had to work in the dolls somehow. Funny how true to life things turn out later…But college was it for me. I had no idea what might come afterwards…only that it would start with an aptly named commencement. Maybe we’ll find some way to celebrate. And maybe, once again, I’m counting my diplomas before they’re printed. Stupid physical science requirement.

Today was pretty good. Some sleeping in- we went to IKEA to get some little bear pictures we’d seen there about a hundred times and never found a reason to get. But a baby is a perfect reason to get some little bear pictures. Plus, John loves bears.

Afterwards we went to to Harmon’s and Walmart and got some necessities we’ve been needing as of late. Little tip- don’t go shopping on the day before Easter. Lots of people feeling overly entitled about being cheap and in the way. But we got through it and we’re home now. It’s getting late, and as I’ve been exhausted today…I’m not sure how cleaning is meant to get done. It might just have to wait…because I still have to finish preparing my primary lesson for tomorrow. I’ve read through it a couple of times, but want to put some scriptures in some plastic eggs. I know- amazing technique. We’ll see if the girls fight over them.

So- what will I do with all my extra time now that I’m not doing the course online? Well…I have an HTML book John bought me that I’ll start going through. We put it away until I was done with the course. Also- as long as all goes well, I’ll be starting Westminster in May. They haven’t been too helpful through the registration process, so I’ll have to tell you what I’m taking when I can actually take a look at it. But yes…I’ll have plenty to do.

And now I’m nauseous and need food…so off I go to try and find something yummy.

More later….

I know I know. I’m a bad blogger. And it’s horrible, because I think of a hundred things to write on here that would CRACK YOU UP but I’m too tired to write them. So yes. So sad. Let me try and recap…hmmmm…I don’t think I ever wrote about the card John gave me for Valentine’s Day. It was a pop up card- with a bouquet of daises, and TWO KISSING FISHES. Seriously. The card just screamed, “I KNOW WHO YOU ARE.” I just wanted to hold it and look at it- and ended up bringing it to work and sticking it on the wall next to my computer. It was good. I spent most of my card shopping time just looking for something that passed as masculine- and sounded like it came from me. I’m glad to have a permanent Valentine. So that’s the Valentine update….over a week later.

Hmmmm…what else? The naseous feelings have lessened up a wee, which is sooo nice. John and I went and found some sea bands last weekend- which although they look funny- and were too expensive for what they were, seem to help! I have no idea why. I wear them as soon as I get out of the shower, and just feel a little better. I even took a for real vitamin tonight and wore them afterwards- and didn’t get sick. Who knows. If it works- I’m for it. I’m really hoping that I’ll just wake up one of these days and feel better.

Other things making my life better: Activia shots. I won’t tell you what area of my life (or body) they’re helping with.  But seriously- overnight- miracles.  Miracles.

Also- Oh Baby jeans. Yes, yes I know that YOU know that I’m not showing yet.  But that doesn’t mean I’m not fatter.  And that doesn’t mean that I’m not getting pouchier.  And you know what else?  It just FEELS GOOD not to have something pushing in on my stomach.  I found one pair of trousers that feel amazing- and they were just 6 bucks!  We’ll see how they last, but for now, I’m much happier with my roomier situation.  I’ll probably need to find some more things to grow into.

Work is going well.  I’m feeling confident about the things I have to do- and I feel like I’m learning new stuff- especially new computer stuff.  I’m just going to say- for the record, that I still think about my past employment at times and get a little miffed.  But I’m hoping I’ll get over those “unsaid things” soon, meanwhile- I am using some of the things I learned there at this job.  So that’s a plus.

Ok- honestly, it’s probably about time for bed.  John and I should have studied spanish- and I’ve been meaning to do more science.  But we’ve have an appointment at 7am with a special baby-looking sound machine.  Yes- I mean an ultrasound.  So tomorrow we’ll know for sure, is it one or is it two?

I’ve been wondering when I’ll start showing. I guess it’s different for everyone- but I have noticed an increase in size in the belly area. When I lay on my back it flattens out (infuriatingly) but when I stand up or put on a belt or tight jeans I definitely have a bit of a bulge. Notice I said bulge, not bump. I feel mostly bloated and like everything that goes in doesn’t come out. So yes- everyone, if I seem to be bulkier than usual it’s not my baby. The baby is officially probably the size of a capital letter on this page. More than likely- it’s just gas.

So- the list of people in my life that are pregnant are as follows: the girl that sits behind me at work, Alicia, and my cousin Sara. Melissa has a little girl- so she beat us all to the punch- but on John’s side we’ve got little people all over the place. It’s kind of funny to realise that our girls (yes, I’ve decided that we’re having two girls…this week) will have plenty of company. I remember growing up in Groton surrounded by cousins- and I think, I KNOW that I took it for granted. There were periods of my life that I literally saw them every day. I remember getting sheets and laying them on the lawn in the backyard and laying out with Melissa and reading. I remember writing “Zac was here” on the walls of the playhouse our grandpa made us so that the younger girls would think it had cooties. I remember eating strawberries and tomatoes out of the garden and having my grandma yell things like, “Stop eating all that fruit! You’re going to get the runs!” (Oh how I wish I could get the runs lately, stupid iron/vitamin supplements disrupting my regularity). I wish I could bring my kids up in the same atmosphere. It’s SO tough, because we’ve got two amazing families, scattered all across the States and more- and I have the feeling that no matter how hard I try, I’ll never get them together all in the same place. All of a sudden I understand my sister Becca’s willingness to put her boys in a car and drive cross country to see family. She makes it happen.

Today has been pretty nice.  We woke up to a foot of snow- I got a phone call letting me know that church was “abbreviated” today, just Sacrament Meeting.  So we got dressed and got my car up the driveway and down the street (somehow) and enjoyed the meeting.  Afterwards John went outside to start the shoveling.  I helped just a little- but then went out and got some ice melt and tried to give the driveway a nice even coating.  The neighbor helped us out with his snow blower a bit- so it went a little faster.  It was kind of nice being outside in the afternoon- seeing everyone around us out shoveling the snow, waving at the cars that went by.  They actually closed the canyon while we were in our meeting- so I was trying to think of something I could make to feed the people trapped away from home…but it didn’t come to that.  Our neighbors said they were just trying to do avalanche control and probably got it cleared pretty fast.

So tomorrow is back to work- back to learning new things and trying to have some energy to get through the day.  I feel like it’s been a good weekend though- very very good weekend.  And more than that, I’m looking at a week of coming home to my wonderful home and my wonderful husband BEING here.  It’ll be a good week.  I’m going to go help him make some pizza

The Master said: ‘Artful speech and an ingratiating demeanour rarely accompany virtue.’ -The Analects

I studied Confucius’ Analects while at Scranton. I loved it- I realised that I was ill equipped to live the ideals, but wanted to try. I first heard/had a conversation about praise in my philosophy of conscience class. The passage we discussed was as follows:

“The true gentleman is easy to serve, yet difficult to please. If you attempt to please him in any improper way, he will be displeased; but when it comes to appointing men to work, he has regard to their capacity. The inferior man is hard to serve, yet easy to please. If you attempt to please him, even in an improper way, he will be pleased; but in appointing men their work, he expects them to be fit for everything.” -Analects XXV

Basically- to be a noble man (or woman) means to be hard to please. Now, that doesn’t mean you’re a tough guy all the time. It doesn’t mean that you don’t appreciate good work- it just means that you praise things that are actually praiseworthy. As part of that, the noble person is able to judge a person’s capacity and then praise them for the highest that they have to offer. The don’t expect more, they don’t praise less. I think that’s an important part of that nobility- to correctly assess what other’s are capable of. And, of course, when that is not possible, reserve judgment in general.

I’ve been reading some things on line about how you can never give someone too much praise- and when it doubt, offer praise! When I worked with Limited Brands it was always, “Praise, then correct.” It’s interesting that the Doctrine and Covenants tells us to “reprove betimes with sharpness …showing forth afterwards an increase of love” (D&C 121:43). Afterwards. As in- don’t flatter your way into someone’s heart.

I’ve experienced it a few times- incessant praise that at first seems nice. Comforting- but then soon, it become absolutely empty, and finally, annoying. Often, this kind of praise is used as manipulation. A tool people use to think they can get to do what they want you to. When really- you’re probably just doing what you’re doing because you made a commitment. And the praise means nothing.

Often, people praise others expecting praise back. This is the WRONG reason to praise someone. This is simply selfish- and it shows that you are self-involved and shallow. A bad combination.

You can either be fueled by character and integrity, or by flattery. If you do what you do because you think it is right, because you are driven to fulfill your commitments, and because you want to offer the most you have, you will succeed. If you do what you do to be noticed by others- you will fail. Because a fact of life remains: people are more interested in themselves than in you. For sure.

If you are the victim of flattery- you should probably change your position. Like it says- the flatter is hard to be around and easy to please. Until they decide to be pleased by someone else, or themselves. Ok, that sounded bad. But moving on.

It’s just something to think about. I’ve heard of women who praise their husbands when they do something good hoping for a repeat performance. That’s seriously one of the most manipulative things I ever heard. I mean- if you decide to communicate that you need something, and get a repsonse, I think it completely appropriate to express gratitude. But saying that you are grateful for something is different than trying to train your spouse like a dog.

Yeah. So that was random, but it’s been on my mind for awhile. So out it came.