Natural Sceptre

Have you ever noticed that there are some foods that people recommend for regularity? Like, for instance…”Hey, you should eat this yogurt. It has something in it that improves your regularity.” And all of a sudden I want nothing to do with yogurt ever again.

I remember babysitting for a little girl who had to drink “poo poo juice” so that she could go to the bathroom. What it really was was some sort of Cool Aide with laxative in it. Yeah. Yum.

Why do I bring this up? Well. I have a confession to make. Are you ready?

I poo.

The reason I’m stating this online and for the world to see (even though a variety of people come to my website including family, friends, Mormon bishops, Catholic priests and my bosses) is because first of all- this is too funny. And also: I need to get over it. If there is one thing that John has said again and again and again since we were married it’s, “Everybody poos, Erin.”

I apparently didn’t want to believe him, as I tried to poo only when he wasn’t around. Maybe, MAYBE in the morning if he was asleep. But mostly while he was at work or school or something or AT LEAST in the office. And NEVER with other people in the house. And NEVER at work or in public.

You see- this isn’t a new issue with me. I feared girl’s camp from the time I was 5 years old because my Mom told me a story about latrines. One of my MAJOR factors for choosing to be home schooled for a year (along with accompanying my brother, who didn’t have a choice) was the fact that I could go any time of the day. Yes. I was sick. And this is my road to recovery.

John was actually quite appalled when he found out- not that I POO of course- somehow he always knew that, but that I PLAN it so precisely. That I have such a command over nature as to decide when and where things (things in this case being pooing) will happen. On our honeymoon I had him sit in the lobby of the hotel for half an hour one day while I “did something”- that “something” being getting sick because I had taken so much immodium on our actual wedding day that I backed the whole system up and had to deal with it a week later. You see- I couldn’t IMAGINE pooing on my wedding day. This might actually be some sort of new eating disorder.

ANYWAY. So, the point. I went to the doctor this morning, and it turns out all my odd symptoms, the back pain, the abdominal pain, EVERYTHING- it’s because I am incredibly, undeniably, outrageously

constipated.

He showed me the x-ray. I know what it looks like. And I gotta tell you- the only thing worse than knowing that poo has to come out is the idea of that very same poo stuck IN. I wonder if that doctor knew what he did for me. I had a good 15 minutes to sit and ponder my x-rays while I waited for the doctor to come back. He sat John and I in the waiting room and the nurse put the x-rays on the light machines until the doctor could look at them. I watched as doctors and nurses and patients and small children wandering by pictures of my insides and all I could wonder was, “I wonder what all that dark stuff is?” There is no better way to prove to the world that I poo than to post my x-rays publicly- showing everyone EXACTLY what happens when you refuse to.

So now I’m the one with poo juice. Miralax my friends. And another nice little med that comes in pill form that I simply call “my secret dots,” because they resemble red polka dots.

And so, because I need to embrace the body I was given, and all it’s functions- I offer this post as proof and as a confession. It’s the first step in healing. I will no longer hold it. Except maybe…at the mall.

Christmas has come and gone. I can’t believe it’s over for a whole year! A few days ago John looked at me and said, “This is your time of year, isn’t it?” I guess it is. I love the decorations, I love the presents, and I LOVE surprises. Even though I’ll tell you that I don’t.

The last few days have been good ones. On Monday we sat around and ate. We played Killer Bunnies and Flux and backgammon. We watched movies and just hung out- which was very nice. It’s fun for me to see John and my family together.

On Christmas Day we decided not to start the festivities until 10am- which was nice, a little bit of sleeping in. We made TONS of food the day before- so we ate ham, prime rib, shrimp, lasagna, potatoes, jellied carrots, pancakes, and pot pie. Correction: my mom made most of it. We also ate lots of candy and chips. Presents were fun. We sent a box to John’s parents on their mission with some pictures and candy, a couple CD’s, and a flash drive. I hear they liked it It was fun putting it together. We got my Dad a USB Missile Launcher and my Mom a couple books. One was on writing children’s books, and one was a picture book I thought she’d like.  We went to see I am Legend with the fam.  It was pretty suspenseful.  Later that night John and I went and saw Juno.  It was good.  It was real life, finding the good in the bad, trying to figure out who you are and “what next” kind of good.  It’s one I’m definitely planning to own.  Then John and I went on a drive like the old days.  It was nice- a perfect day.

I went back to work Wednesday morning.  I start full time on the second, but we had a meeting just to get some things pushed through over the holidays.  Draft revision is in full swing.  I was done by 12, then came home and hung out with John and the padres for a few.  That evening John went to work and the parents and I met Jonathan at Olive Garden for some dinner.  There was a woman with HIDEOUS eyebrows there.  Seriously.  My Dad kept saying things like, “You know what I’m thinking about right now?  The Golden Arches.  Maybe we should’ve gone to McDonald’s,” and “You know what I missed when we were out here this summer?  Caterpillars.  I didn’t even see ONE.”  My Mom was shaking trying to keep the laughter in and I was horrified that the woman would hear.  What I don’t get is that she CHOSE to draw them in like that.  It wasn’t even like she was born that way.

The highlight of the dinner, though, was when my brother asked what we were going to do after dinner and my Mom said, “I’m thinking about getting a tat.”  We all just looked at her until my Dad asked my brother if he had any friends that had been in jail.  They do a pretty good job I hear.  Extensive experience.

Thursday John’s parents drove into town for a wedding.  We got to visit with them a bit at the reception.  It was fun to see them in their missionary badges!  And it was good to have some  peppermint ice cream and just talk for awhile.

Today we went to Burger Supreme which is SO YUMMY and then my Mom and I went to Build a Bear.  It was so fun!  I built a bunny and my Mom built a puppy and we ran around with a bunch of chillin’s and didn’t even notice that we were the only adults in there shopping for ourselves.  For whatever reason- we had a really good time.  Then we came home and hung around with the clan a little more.  Tomorrow we’ll have lunch one more time, then drive them up to Salt Lake and drop them off at their hotel.  They fly out early Sunday morning.  I’ll miss having them around.

TWO MORE DAYS OF CLASSES. It hit me today- the realization. I’m almost done! Tonight I need to write a paper and or study for one of my finals. I’ve decided to stop thinking about the online course for a few days- as THAT is actually the LAST thing I’ll need to have done to finish my degree. Take a deep breath, and MOVE FORWARD.

I did get out of bed today in time to go to our science class- even though I coughed all the way through it. It was a visiting professor speaking about evolution. He brought up so many interesting things that I had never considered before. Specifically, he talked about the differences between human skull structure and the skull structure of different types of monkeys. Very, very interesting. Apparently, although simian life has the brain capacity for speech, their anatomy doesn’t allow for it. Also, we looked at human chromosomes compared to chimpanzees and bonobos. They are crazy the same, and have really interesting markers that indicate all kinds of crazy things. It was a fascinating lecture- and while I still need to process the information and figure out what it means with regard to all my other beliefs…I feel more educated as a result of the things that we learned. And, I now have another book I want to check out.

SO. I’ve finished my shopping for John for Christmas! We settled on an amount of money to spend…and then I did something I’ve never done before.  I went onto Amazon.com- and did all the shopping there.  I even got the one thing I saw that I LOVED for my Mom, and am considering getting the rest of our presents for the rest of our meager list on there too.  I’ve made a few decisions with regard to Christmas.  FIRST of all- no cards this year.  With one or two exceptions, we’re going to skip this year, mostly as a by-product of the fact that I’m STILL writing and sending thank you cards for wedding gifts.  Second of all, gifts are going to be simple.  I don’t see the need to spend a whole lot of money in shipping gifts to everyone- I’d rather call and chat and just get in touch with the people I love who are far away.  Plus, not gonna lie, we have plenty of money for rent and insurance and food and a movie here and there…but not much more.  Ah the life of poor college students.

For a few Christmas’s I’ve felt a little lost in all of it.  Before my mission I remember feeling a little weird about the holidays, wondering if I’d ever feel the magic of it all again.  When I was on my mission I felt liberated from the pressure of perfect decorations and loads of presents- and then when I got home, it was just amazing to be with my family again.  This year- I’m so excited to have my OWN new family!  It’s been fun deciding to do things our way- pick our tree, our decorations, where we’re going to be, all of that.  And it’s fun to have my parents coming to visit ME :)  I just hope we have room for everyone to be comfortable in our little apartment!  I’ve realised that although presents are fun, limiting that aspect of it is good, because it’s so easy to get carried away.  I want it to be about family and food and feeling the Spirit of it all.  I remember the Christmases from when I was little.  All the grandparents and Aunts and Uncles and Cousins.  Good thing I married into a big family! Now we just have to see if we ever have a holiday all together.  I would love that.  I’ll have to work pretty hard to make that happen…with my family in Massachusetts and Connecticut and Europe (to name a few), and John’s in Mississippi and Utah and Colorado (and then some!  His parent’s will spend this Christmas in AZ on a mission!).

Just as a side-note, though, a lot easier to buy John Christmas gifts THIS year as compared to last year!  I forget what I got him…I think some socks last year.  Haha.  It was kind of a joke gift.  HOW CAN I KEEP THE PRESENTS A SECRET?  I’ll try.  I’ll try try try!!!

OK.  Time for some homework.

It’s been an interesting day.  Last night was rough- didn’t sleep well at all, and I was up and down so much I eventually just went out on the couch so I wouldn’t bother John.  Poor thing was PASSED out.  So, around 7:30 am I finally decide I’m probably ready to go back to bed and at least have an hour or so of cuddling with my husband (my class was cancelled this morning, until tomorrow morning) before I had to face the day.  The phone rang.  It was the office, asking what time I’d be in.  Then the phone rang again, and it was our landlord saying that the bug sprayers are coming over.  So, I woke John up and then I got in the shower and got ready for work.  Soooo….John met the bug sprayer, I went to the office.  He went to school, then we met up back at the house for the dreaded science class.  I was not looking forward to it.  I was cranky, sad, overwhelmed, and very tired.

And then a miracle happened.  I actually had fun.  Can you even believe it?  I don’t know if I was just cracked out or what, but I think it changed my day a little.  We went to a lab and “collected” our DNA- which invovled EITHER swishing some water and spitting it into a test tube, OR, using a little brush and then swirling it around.  I opted for brush swirling.  Then we had to mix and heat and all kinds of other things with a few different substances, and Wa LA.  DNA.  THEN, we even got to put them into tiny vials and make NECKLACES.  I know.  Very Billy Bob and Angelina.  But even though I had to sit at the same table with booger boy during a spit related experiment, and although it was the dreaded science class- it somehow changed my mood.  I think it just brought me back into real life somehow- away from the anxiety and the tunnel vision. 

Now I’m at home, doing some more work on the book and drinking some diet coke.  What’s new, right?  Well, besides our cool DNA necklaces.

Dearest Nephews,
Guess who went on a train last week? On Thursday we got to ride the Heber Creeper. We rode on an orange car, right in the middle of the train. When it went around the corner, I was able to get this picture of the steam engine. While we rode there were performers reciting cowboy poetry and singing cowyboy songs. It was a lot of fun!  Have you been on the Heber Creeper before? Next time you come to Provo, I’ll show you all the pictures!Oh, and by the way, Happy Birthday to the Birthday boy!

Love,
Auntie Erin

Cozy Car

Originally uploaded by Erin Hattaway

Here we are in our orange car.

Deer Creek Reservoir

Originally uploaded by Erin Hattaway

This was a view we saw from the train! It was GORGEOUS.

Well, I guess since I’m not REALLY studying right now, I might as well update my website. 

 HAPPY HALLOWEEN!  What a day.  We woke up, went to classes- all went pretty well.  I got some studying done for the BIG TEST this morning, ran home for lunch, and then went back for our 2 o’clock.  We arrived in our usual parking lot near campus, and then…just as John put my car into park, I realised: we were supposed to bring separate cars.  It’s WEDNESDAY.  I have two more classes starting at 4, and John has to be at work at 5…and yeah.  We forgot a car.  We sat there contemplating, and then I realised I had NEVER not ONCE skipped my film class- and I didn’t in any way want to attend my last class, ever again.  So after our class together, I just headed home.

When John left for work, my little bro and I ran out to get a burger and a surprise for John for Halloween!!  (I’ll tell what it is once I give it to him) I then ran out to get some foodstuffs for a trial run on a casserole that I’m making for a woman in the ward tomorrow.  I got a phone-call last night while I was studying, and really, I rather speak in church than make a meal for someone.  It’s not that I don’t want to help- it’s that I CAN’T cook.

Anyway, after a trip to the store to buy things like “dry onion something or other” and “celery salt” and DRY milk (ew), I came home to watch a movie with the little bro.  In celebration of All Hallows Eve we decided to watch a movie from our past, “Cursed.”  It about a brother and sister who turn into werewolves together.  We promised, long ago, that if one of us became some sort of monster of the night, we’d do it together.  So we settled in to watch our movie of choice and have a little candy, and all of a sudden,

THE DOORBELL RANG!  (Yes, we have a doorbell!) Five happy children hopped down the stairs and said, “TRICK OR TREAT!”  I was so surprised, I hardly even savored the moment.  I took a quick look at their costumes and told them to take more candy- and then they were gone.  It was quick, but they came!  They remembered the new people next door, and came back here EVEN THOUGH we have a freaky basement door and no light.  Good neighbors.  I love Halloween.  I’m glad I was home for it tonight. 

(Oh yeah, I wrote my professor an email and told him I had car trouble.  I DID.  Ok, it’s a stretch.)

After the movie I started putting my casserole together.  Lotsa mixing, losta chicken, lotsa everything.  I finally put it in the oven and had to clean a load of dishes…and then just waited.  It got a little smokey, and I just thought to myself “maybe there’s just stuff in the bottom of the oven.”  The timer went off, I took out my chicken, soup, broccoli concoction, and it looked relatively good!  Let my plate sit for a bit, added some salt and pepper, and took a bite.  Crunch.  Disaster.  Not only was the rice as hard as could be, but I also immediately got hiccups.  How did THAT happen?  So, my house is full of smoke, my casserole is horrible, and I have pukey hiccups- PLUS 14 more chapters of a religiously-oriented physical science book to memorize before Friday.  Interesting predicament.  I added some more water to the casserole dish, put it back in the oven, fished a fan out of the bedroom to try and “waft” the smoke out of the open window, and ate a huge spoonful of peanut butter to get rid of my hiccups.  (It worked.)  I eventually just turned the stove off.

I have no idea what I will bring this woman and her family for dinner tomorrow.  No idea.

So now I have 5 minutes until my favorite husband comes home and I can give him his Halloween present- and do some more last minute studying before heading to bed.  Work tomorrow- then…more studying.  I’m almost wondering if I should just go in and take this thing tomorrow.  PRAY that I do well.  PRAY. I have no idea what to study, no clue.  Little freaked out, not gonna lie.

Oh yeah!  And I got a fun package from my Mom today!  Halloween T-shirts (that say Got Candy), some candy (so we can answer, ‘yes’) and various other odds and ends.  It came right on time!!  I also got the legal papers with my family’s name change on them (we changed our last name when I was about 4 or 5 years old from Johansen to Swigart, long story) and the certificate from when my family was sealed in the Washinton D.C. temple.  The churches records were kind of messed up because of the name change (threw them off) and so she sent both me AND Jonathan copies of everything. I explained to Jonathan what they were, and he said, “WHAT?  What happened?”  Revealing that he knows nothing about our family history.   He was a baby (or not born) when most of these things happened…but it’s still funny.  I think we all just assumed he knew stuff.  Haha… He’s a funny kid.

One fun thing about belonging to the Hattaway household (of Provo) is that EVERY TIME I go to put a new garbage bag in the bathroom trash, I get to read a receipt.  I use random plastic shopping bags for the trash bag in there, and so whenever I have to replace one I pick the receipt out of it and say, “Oh!  Remember the day we bought a couple of bananas and some ice cream?”  or, my favorite, “Ah, I remember the day I bought Spaghettio’s, and then forgot that I needed some rice, so went through the line AGAIN.”  Here’s the thing. As I’m shoving the bags into their storage place I always think that I should take the receipt out and throw it away.  But THEN I think, “Hey, that IS a trash bag.”  It’d be like adding an extra step.  And Complete Woman magazine says that the best way to produce free time is to stop doing redundant housework.  Think of all the time I saved, that I probably used up just by writing this post.  But think of all the memories!

Things are looking up today.  For some reason last night, I got an immense heavy feeling that I couldn’t shake.  When John got home I just wanted to hug him and not let go.  He thinks I’m sick, and that I should take a couple days to sleep it off.  My response was: I’ll have to schedule that in a week from Friday.  I felt ew again this morning, but just ran home, took some medicine, and headed back to work.  I’ve got so much to do today, involving a trip to the car dealer with the little brother (state and emissions inspections), a paper for my William James class, and a chapter for Rich and Ron.  It’ll all get done, but it might be a late night.  On the good news front, that heavy feeling seems to be leaving.  I know I’ve got a lot to do, but if I concentrate and just get some things done, I should be just fine.  Amazingly, there is plenty of time for everything.  Except, of course, two days of sleeping.  I think I am actually going to write that in my schedule for a week from Friday….

I’m also looking for a new look for Natural Sceptre.  I’ve been wanting to design it myself, but with all there is to do (and a lack of fireworks) I’ll have to figure it out later.  We’ll see.